you all know how much i love real simple magazine. every month i find something that really impacts my life - either an article like this, some photography, a recipe, a new way of doing something...it is my crush. i don't know if this article will crystalize something for you the way it did for me...some are things i think i knew but didn't know how to put into words....some are things i knew and was nodding my head as i read them...some, well i should have know having reached this age and it would seem i would be a bit more wise.
i wanted to make sure i got the citation right so you know the author and the source. she has written some books that i want to check out.
TEN TRUTHS I WISH I’D KNOWN SOONER (By Amy Bloom)
As published in “Real Simple” December 20091.
Events reveal people’s characters, they don’t determine them. Not everyone with divorced parents has terrible relationships. If two people are hit by a bus and are crippled for life, one may become bitter and the other a warm, outgoing person. It’s not about the bus, and a dreadful childhood is no excuse. You have the chance to be the person you wish to be; until you die.
2.
Lying, by omission or commission, is a bad idea. I cannot shake my dependency on the white lie, because I was brought up to be nice. And I’ve never figured out a way to say, “I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than to come to your house for dinner.” But the meaningful lie, the kind that involved being untruthful or deceitful about important stuff to those you love, is like poison. Telling the truth sometimes hurts, but it doesn’t kill. Lying kills love.
3.
Sex always gives you an answer, although not necessarily the one you want. It’s possible to have very good sex with a person that shouldn’t be in your life at all. Have fun, hide your wallet and your blackberry. On the other hand, it’s unlikely that a grown man, however nice, will become much, much better in bed than he was the first few times you slept with him. And if you sleep with a man that is unkind to you, there will be more of that; long after the sex is humdrum, the cruelty will be vivid.
4.
Most talents are transferrable. If you can raise toddlers and teenagers with relative calm, you can be a CEO. If you’re a good driver, you can probably steer a cab, fly a plane, or captain a boat. My years as a waitress – serving food to demanding people in a high-stress environment without losing my temper – served me equally well as a mother, a wife, and a short-order cook for my family. And if you have the teaching gene, you can teach anything.
5.
Fashion fades and style is eternal. Not only do you not have to wear torn jeans, a barely-there tank top and a fedora, but you probably shouldn’t. The point of fashion is to briefly indulge in something fun. The point of style is to have one – whether it’s a sheath and spikes or slouchy jeans and your husband’s teeshirt – and it should last you a lifetime. All you have to do is think you deserve to look and feel your best and then spend time figuring out how to do that. Don’t know? Find a woman who’s style you admire and ask for advice.
6.
You can’t fake love. Staying in a love relationship when love is not what you feel isn’t likely to end well. If you know that what you crave is security/ disposable income/child care and not the person next to you, do the right thing. It’s true that one can learn to love someone over time and often through difficult circumstances. But, unless the two of you agree to wait until you’re old and all the storms have passed, in the hope that love will kick in, it’s better to bail sooner than later.
7.
Mean doesn’t go away. Some people get better looking with age, some don’t. Some people soften; some toughen up. Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person that demeans and belittles you and speaks of you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go.
8.
No one’s perfect. I knew I wasn’t perfect; I just didn’t realize this also applied to the people I feel in love with. The object of your affection will always turn out to have huge and varied faults. The smart thing is not to look for someone flawless, but to look for someone whose mix of strengths and liabilities appeal to you.
9.
Ask for help. It’s possible you’ll get turned down. It’s even more likely that you’ll feel vulnerable and exposed. Do it anyway, especially if you’re the helpful sort yourself. Those of us who like to offer assistance and hate to take any are depriving other people of the opportunity to be generous and kind. We are also blinding ourselves to the reality of mutual dependence. You wouldn’t wear pink hot pants and pretend they were flattering. Don’t pretend you don’t need help.
10.
Keep an eye on the prize and your hand on the plow. It’s easy to lose sight of what you want, especially if you haven’t gotten it. It know it’s less work to put the wish away, to pretend the wish itself has disappeared. But it’s important to know what your prize is, because that is part of you. Whether it’s financial stability, two children, a collection of poetry, or a happy marriage, take Churchill’s advice and never give in. Never give in.
NEVER GIVE IN.
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