October 25, 2010

hard lessons


then i started this idea i thumbed back through my memory.  it seemed looking back that the only why i have learned lessons in my life have been in the typical "hard way" - that is...for myself.  never taking the word of wiser people before me, i charged ahead and cleared my own paths.  and it seemed i never made much head way.  at times i would shake my fists and stomp my feet that surely life was just NOT meant to be this hard for me.  and then...i would look around and see that life is hard for many, many, many people.  so...i face myself in the mirror and dealt with it most days.  but....honestly it took a long time to be able to do that - face myself in that mirror.  to really be honest with myself and say it was my responsibility to do that.  actually the light bulb went off in my head watching "you've got mail."  i love that movie - not just for the romantic aspects of it but for what she goes through.  here is this life she has built for herself - all nicely tied up in a bow - the perfect business, the perfect man, the perfect job...everything.  and her world changes.  and at first she's mad at him ... but it turns out in reality - all changes she had to make for life to be better.  and one of the sayings i engrave on my heart.  "it's not personal, it's business."  when things happen - change - too often we look outside ourselves for the solution instead of facing what we have to change.  and as i also discovered yesterday - simply having the faith to make the impossible possible doesn't guarantee the process will be easy.

sometimes the world changes on us and we have no clue why - i actually think i'm a lucky person if i do discover the "why" or have that type of closure.  sometimes, the is only the acceptance we can achieve that something was unknowable.  (is that a word?)  i will never know why my brother was one of the rare exceptions to get his disease and die at 13.  i can't imagine the pain my mother dealt with in letting two children go from death - i do know for many years i blamed - and yes, sometimes hated - my parents for the sacrifices they made to raise we survivors.  and the sacrifices i made - wondering at times where money would come from to pay electricity or water bills.  dealing with my parents' issues from having children die long before they were 'supposed to' - a valium addiction, depression, cheating - the gamut of what they call 'coping' mechanisms. 

i've now become wiser and have some perspective on my mother's life - i was fortunate to get pass the place of anger in my life to acceptance that 'it was what it was' - there is no changing the past and all we can do is accept it's place in forming the me that is me today.  i'm a stronger woman for it. 

getting back to the movie...and it's not personal - it's business.  the biggest lesson that i've learned lately is that my job does not define me.  that at the end of the day, i can say i do a great job, i work hard and then i go home to live the life for me.  as so many wise people before me have said - work to live, not live to work. 

if you have gotten this far - thank you - you are a blessing in my life.  you are the sounding board that allows me to have a voice to the outside world and i appreciate you.



21 comments:

  1. you are brave, smart and strong. and you are not your job. that's a powerful lesson. one I try to learn, but forget sometimes.

    xox,
    /j

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  2. In my life, there has been no coming to consciousness without pain. Perhaps it is necessary to elevate the issues to such a level that we pay attention...I'm not sure.

    I'm not a fan of this, but damn if it isn't true. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

    You are strong. I am strong. We move forward....

    BIG hug

    z

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  3. "sometimes the world changes on us and we have no clue why"

    I needed this. Thank you.

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  4. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. There is no changing the past...hard to remember that sometimes, but it really is the only way to move forward. We cannot change what has been done and sometimes we never get to understand what's been done either. But moving forward, accepting that things are what they are...well, those are big big steps, I think.

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  5. wow.
    I really don't "know" you that well, having just met you in blogland, but this was very powerful. and some of it quite familiar. you sound like a very wise and intuitive person with a lot of grace and empathy.

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  6. So well said and thanks for the wonderful lesson that we can all use. Really you are independent and wonderfully so. Give yourself a little bit of grace for that . . .

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  7. char....this was open....wide open !
    thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom and strength with us....as we all learn from each other....

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  8. it seems you have come full circle with your feelings..loss is loss for all those involved..children too....thank you for sharing this ...

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  9. With all that said....step out of your shoes and read about this person named Char. Look at who you are now because of your past. Our past defines our present to an extent...good and bad! Sometimes we have to look in that mirror to see who we really are...like that person or not. We are responsible for ourselves now!
    Great lesson post.

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  10. Char, what a wonderful gift to get to a place where you can "make sense" of your past and people in it. I also learned that my job is not what defines me -- it is what I do, not who I am. I have also learned (thank you Leo Buscaglia) that "the life and love we create, is the love and life we live". I can see that you have found power in owning your choices. Big hugs. XX

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  11. you are a beautiful woman, char. yes, i do believe the 'wisdom' in life comes from when (if) we are able to gain perspective from our situations and circumstances - especially the painful ones. it may never excuse any of them but it will perhaps better explain some - what we do with that is then is our choice. in my own life, i have learned (always hard) to quiet down the world around me and seek stillness, silence. it's there that i find peace, sometimes answers. hugs to you....

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  12. so very important. i often wonder if i was a neurosurgeon if my job would define me then but i think not. i would always just be who i am, not what i am.

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  13. This has been a wonderful idea, Char. I've been to most of the blogs so far and am so impressed.

    I've never felt defined by my job. Good lesson.

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  14. Thanks for sharing your story Char. Life lessons have a way of making us wiser if they don't kill us first...spoken from my own struggles.

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  15. Such a beautiful and honest post Char. Funny, in my post today I decided to stop asking "why"...sometimes there are just so logical answers. My hubby's brother died at 12...I can't imagine the pain... But that's life...and we must accept the good and the bad and make the best of what we have. xoxo

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  16. Char, this is so touching...you are sweet and strong...

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  17. thank you for sharing this. very touching thoughtful words. i believe you are a wise and strong woman. your post are always thought provoking and make me look inside myself. thanks

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  18. I appreciate everything you wrote here, and for sharing openly. You speak beautifully to how life shapes us, in all its forms, and over time we (hopefully) learn to be conscious of it and accepting too.

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  19. I'm catching up and just read this post...it's powerful and moving. I applaud your strength and hope that sharing helps you in your journey, I wish I had seen this earlier... i need your words more than you know. xxx

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  20. Oh Char....you are a stronger woman...and no doubt, full of wisdom.
    I didn't know this about your life...you have given me a good dose of perspective...when I get down about the little things, I will think twice about letting it get the better of me. Thank you for this powerful post.

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i feel as if each comment was between us as we sat and sipped something warm....i love to hear what you're thinking.