fears

it's been one of those weeks, you know. ups and downs - highs and lows. and i'm weary and tired and as hard as i try, i'm human and scared. i feel as though everything i try just sits there and kinda flails helplessly. and it's not because i feel alone - god, everyone has been so good to me and really tries to help. they bolster my feelings, i get odd jobs to help with things...i know i'm not alone.

and i know i should keep a positive attitude. i do. let me tell you - a positive attitude is a difficult thing to keep at 3:30 in the morning. but still i plug away and keep sending applications and resumes. i'm too old, too experienced, too inexperienced, too anything. could someone please give me that magic combination of words and phrases to get someone to freaking hire me? i feel as if the past eight months have the stamp across them called 'epic fail'.

and you know those sites - monster and career builder? total b.s. i work them almost daily looking for jobs and have yet to hear back from one of the places were i applied.

two years ago, i thought my life was pretty perfect business wise, even if personally it was crap with mom being so sick (she died in november). one year ago, i saw the handwriting business wise but never thought it would last this long. i thought i had plenty of resources to tide me over.

and still, i will suck it up and 'carry on' as the saying goes. i was taught that at an early age. life is life - life is what you make it. i can either be miserable all day and dwell in my fear or i can keep fighting. today, i keep fighting.

picking bones

When owls devour their prey they regurgitate the bones and other parts that are indigestible to them. There is an entire science devoted to reconstructing these pellets, just as archaeologists reconstruct ancient civilizations from the pieces not reclaimed by man or nature.

Isn't that the essence of blogging? The swallowing of life and regurgitation of small pellets of information? At times leaving the bare bones for others to pick over and reconstruct their vision of our lives. In years, what will someone make of my leavings? The skeletons I've stripped bare for the public? What about the parts that I keep, digesting and masticating? Some of those will finally become indigestible to me.

I have a feeling that nothing anyone can unwrap about me is very shocking or surprising. This 18 month or so journey into myself has done as much as a lot of therapy has in the past. It's helped me hold a mirror in front of me and face some simple facts. Among the most comforting and then the scariest at the time time is that I'm not alone in the fears that I face. One of the things that feeds the monster is the feeling of isolation and freak-dom that I thought I felt because of the things that happened.

So, I continue to face my mirror, getting down to the true me - bones, skin and all of the terrible parts I never wanted to digest.