I woke up this morning miserable and burnt out. Aching and hurting and all the other things that one's body perceives when it's just tired of pushing on. I rolled into my clothes and pulled up a pony tail. I've been on a roller coaster ride this week, culminating with a steep hill of emotion last night when I opened a "thinking of you" card from my mother's best friend. Immediately I burst into tears. I never expected it to be this raw...especially at seven months.
Then this morning, I read a question. What were you doing ten years ago? Funny how life can change in ten years? Ten years ago, I had both of my parents. Dad was in the beginning stages of his cancer but still happy and active.
Ten years ago I had one precious nephew and one newborn nephew. I was a decade younger and a bit more hopeful. I had seen hell and had come through it. I had just graduated college and was embarking on a new career. Life was about travel and music and friends. I was silly and funny....and whimsical.
A decade later my life is upside down. The career is a bit settled. The nephews are growing faster than I ever believed. And I have precious nieces too. I've lost both my parents and I miss them horribly -- even when I used to bitch about my mother, I miss her. I'm not quite as hopeful, there have been set-backs as always. Loves came and left during that time. But I've grown comfortable with solitude without feeling the urge to take in more cats. And, I've become convinced that I just need a vacation. Yes.....a vacation is exactly what I need.