February 13, 2011

the love letter

dear charlane,  it's been a while since i have really faced you in the mirror.  and if it wasn't for this writing exercise, i'm not sure if i would have had the courage to do it now.  because the mirror you see brings a sense of honesty and forthright"ness" that you don't have when you sit and mull over your life.  valentine's day is tomorrow - the day you struggle with and waver back and forth about.  you love it and you hate it.  you envy those that celebrate and you scoff.  you tell yourself that you like being alone.  and for the most part you do.  i love that about you.  i love your independence and willingness to do things alone.  things that you had to learn the hard way - like eating alone, going places alone, and well... to be very forthright, sleeping alone.  you struggled with those until now, instead of struggles, they have almost become a preference.  you cultivate an almost jackie o sense of yourself when you look inside.

there are days that it is difficult to tell you that i love you.  your defense mechanism is humor and when backed into a deep corner sarcasm.  there are days that you do wonder are you enough, do you love yourself to be enough.  but then your strength rises up, and you say "yes...i am".  even when it is bitter in your mouth, you know....you know.  

you open your heart wide to those that love you and welcome them inside - inside the heart's velvety and forgiving cushion.  feeding them sweetmeats of your love in anyway that you can.  you shelter them and hold them tight.  you open your heart to friends and others on your path.  sometimes there are thorns that prickle and scratch.  luckily there are healing salves for that.  and you trace your fingers on scar tissue - the fractures of your heart that haven't healed.  not enough to let romance inside.  and you tell yourself that....this life is good enough without it.  and it is.  you have chosen your life exactly as it is.  now ask yourself - is that what you wanted.  

because i do love you warts and all.  that weird combination of strength and weakness.  and as you face tomorrow and the paper hearts, the out pouring of love - breathe it in.  and know.  know that you are loved - not only by friends and family.  but by yourself.

xoxo,
me


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32 comments:

  1. Tricia J. O'BrienFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:12 AM

    Oh, Char, that is so gorgeous, and you could have been writing for me. I struggle with the same issues. Paper hearts, indeed.

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  2. Sage RavenwoodFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:15 AM

    "that weird combination of strength and weakness"
    is a perfect balance of beauty.

    As for tomorrow, I'm a 365 days of the year believer. Love isn't a one day venture and it most certainly can be spread in some different ways. A smile from a stranger, a phone call from a friend. Why should a day, put a limit on the meaning of love...(Hugs)Indigo

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  3. PoetessWugFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:26 AM

    Very interesting how we have to talk to ourselves sometime, isn't it...I wrote a poem entitled I Love me! many years ago. It was sort of like your letter. But I looked at all the good...I felt really good when it was finished! ^_^ As I'm sure you are feeling right now too!

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  4. JoanneFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:37 AM

    I love how you're embracing Valentine's Day, your way. This is what else I'd do, buy yourself a box of chocolates, and savor each one :)

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  5. TraciFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:42 AM

    Char I love your honesty and self-awareness. Know that while not romantic, you are loved and treasured by many, including myself. Happy Valentine's day my blogger friend!

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  6. UnknownFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:49 AM

    Your blog is a very "soft place to fall"
    Lovely writing...I think when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we should say
    "I luv ya"...that's where we start loving others more better.
    hugs..go get yourself a Valentine!

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  7. oldgreymareFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:53 AM

    I'm not quite there yet even after all these years..and with each new challenge- this week has far too many "new" mts to climb, I realize I still feel the "sting" of alone instead of embracing the solitude.

    It's another damn process isn't it? : D

    xx
    z

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  8. nicoleFebruary 13, 2011 at 10:53 AM

    well written and food for thought. you cause me to pause and ponder a moment.

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  9. CarolineFebruary 13, 2011 at 10:55 AM

    Oh Char! Beautiful, real, and the best gift to give yourself. xo

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  10. bethFebruary 13, 2011 at 10:58 AM

    oh char...this one caught me off guard, but wow. it was emotionally beautiful.
    even with the struggles, you do love you, and what a blessing that truly is....not everyone can say that about themselves.

    and i hope you know how much we love you, too....

    as far as i'm concerned....we love everyday around here...we have to or we'd never make it very far. so valentines day to me, is just another day...a bit more red and sparkly, but just another day.

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  11. Carol MattinglyFebruary 13, 2011 at 11:01 AM

    To all the single ladies who struggle while being alone and who cherish the peace they are seeking or have found peace in life without a true love, I wish you Happy Valentine's Day. Embrace all of the loves in your life. For there is no one person alone. God loves us all! Carol

    As spoken by a single, unattached gal who just wants to treasure life and all it has to offer regardless of whether I am alone or not.

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  12. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2011 at 11:05 AM

    that is one great letter. i relate to much of this, by the way.

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  13. kate iFebruary 13, 2011 at 12:16 PM

    I love this! Bravo to you for writing it to yourself...we should all be doing this. I firmly believe that self love is the greatest love and no bouquet of roses or romantic dinner can make up for a lack of self love. You. are. an. amazing. woman! Blowing kisses!

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  14. McGillicuttyFebruary 13, 2011 at 1:12 PM

    Awww my sweet you have to love yourself over and over every day it's a little like groundhog Day...I don't know if i have your courage, valentines day has never been my favorite.. it's just another day. hugs to you.

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  15. PunaFebruary 13, 2011 at 1:33 PM

    It's a wonderful letter Charlane. To me, Valentine's Day is just like any other day but with an excuse to eat more chocolate. I hope you have a great one anyway.

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  16. ELKFebruary 13, 2011 at 4:30 PM

    i love this letter . and you

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  17. Brenda PruittFebruary 13, 2011 at 5:18 PM

    Good for you! I'm hearing: I am woman; hear me roar!
    Brenda

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  18. JaimeFebruary 13, 2011 at 8:53 PM

    Oh Char! This is the best post I have read in a long long time. It is truly soul food. I saw myself in almost every word. And I wish I had written this letter to myself. Thank you for sharing this....I am going to buy myself a cupcake tomorrow and be grateful for the fact that I live a peaceful life...and I get the bed to myself. ;) I feel the sting at times, but I truly believe I was meant to be on my own. And it's comforting that there are others following this path with me.
    Beautiful words. xoxo

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  19. GailOFebruary 13, 2011 at 10:41 PM

    This has got to be the best take on Gigi's love letter writing exercise. Why is it so difficult for us to love ourselves? Sending you special valentine's hugs:)

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  20. spread your wingsFebruary 13, 2011 at 11:23 PM

    i love this. i say whom better to love, and return the love, than yourself on Valentine's Day.
    you're a beautiful person.

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  21. Cindy February 14, 2011 at 12:07 AM

    Wow this was very powerful, loving yourself, you are a strong person and loved by many. just know that. hugs.

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  22. Gigi ThibodeauFebruary 14, 2011 at 1:06 AM

    I treasure you, Char. Thanks for doing the exercise, and for turning it to something far more than an exercise. As I read your words, I wonder if I could be so honest with myself on the page. I wonder if I could give myself that . . .

    I've been up late tonight doing work and decided to take a break to just read blogs I love. I'm so glad I came over here to yours. So glad, indeed.

    xoxo Gigi

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  23. AmyFebruary 14, 2011 at 6:57 AM

    So lovely. Sigh. I do hope your day is filled with all kinds of happy ... and may you know just how much you're loved ... even by those who have yet to meet you!

    xoxo

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  24. CharFebruary 14, 2011 at 7:00 AM

    thanks you guys - my first response to posting this was to jump up and pull it back. close it up. and i resisted and left the house so i couldn't pull it back. what a wonderful community of friends i have - so much support. thank you thank you.

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  25. We Blog ArtistsFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:23 AM

    SUCH a powerful post!
    Happy *HEARTS* day Char.x
    hugs
    Char.x

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  26. Denise | Chez DanisseFebruary 14, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Such wise and well contemplated words. I'm glad you didn't pull it back.

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  27. Jg. for FatScribeFebruary 14, 2011 at 2:00 PM

    wow. so honest. don't know if i have that in me (at least not right now). gawd, that was admirable.

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  28. One Woman's ThoughtsFebruary 14, 2011 at 2:56 PM

    Honest. Powerful.

    We first must love ourselves.
    Love will find us.
    We must be open to ALL love, sometimes God gives us love different than what we expected, but the love he gives is the love we need.

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  29. christinaFebruary 15, 2011 at 8:27 AM

    filled with honesty and love. i feel love and tenderness, when i read this.
    xo

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  30. MaryFebruary 16, 2011 at 6:22 PM

    you.
    are.
    loved.

    beautiful, honest and powerful.

    xoxo

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  31. UnknownFebruary 16, 2011 at 8:10 PM

    It was an honour to read this.

    and equally so to be alongside you in this amazing community of love as your story unfolds.

    hugs to you.

    deb

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  32. Relyn LawsonFebruary 18, 2011 at 4:37 PM

    I wrote a wonder-filled comment. Did it just get lost?

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i feel as if each comment was between us as we sat and sipped something warm....i love to hear what you're thinking.

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