i never can pronounce it right - chop-RA or CHO-pra

thoreau was right, there is not remedy for true love - unconditional love.  just an observation really.  and a thought about love.

i've been giving a lot of thought lately to what purpose my  life has ... well besides just the living it to the best of my ability.  sometimes i struggle with that - about, mattering and leaving something behind that i can be proud of at the end of the day.  and, i do think that...mostly, usually....well, on the good days.  and most of my days lately are good days.  of course on the bumpy days i certainly tend to think "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think i'll go eat worms."  isn't that self-doubt thing a pain in the rumpus?  but aside from all of that... am i here only to be a good sister, a good aunt, a good worker, a good friend....a good...something...fill in the blank...depends on the day of the week? 

how do you know?  i feel stagnant and stale.  not in a bad mopey way.  i mean, my life is good.  there is no drama - my family is well, work is settling back down (i think), and well....it's good.  is this contentment?  am i supposed to feel something ...more?  what is more?

or is more something like that funny thing....happiness?  the more you search the further it is until one day you just wake and realize, it was right there beside you and you didn't shake it's hand?  these are thoughts running through my brain.  and i relate some of them back to reading chopra's thoughts on "how to be happy" when he says, "life has a purpose."

can't buy me love...everybody tells me so

thank you all (again)...and so i don't sound like sally fields - oops, i just told how old i am, right?  anyway - i'll stop with that. 

i had one question in all of that - one about my love life and ken asked if that was taboo.  heck no, the only things i never really talk about are religion and politics .... mostly because too many people get pretty upset on those issues and rather than insult anyone, i just steer clear.  as i've said before - i try to treat people according to the golden rule - do unto others as i would have them do unto me. 

so...my love life.  or lack thereof.  yeah.  that's the main reason i don't write about it.  first of all, face it - in these days and times, women in their 40's have a tough time meeting guys...much less guys that have an appreciation for say...women in their 40's.  *laugh*  i kid you not - the few times i ventured (lately) into a typical venue to meet guys - guys my age are dating women in their 20's.  my brother for example.  *drum rimshot*  not that he chose her - it was a fix up.  *sigh, then laugh*

here are the basics about my love life:  married young - married for a good number of years - divorced when i found out (by his own admission) that he was cheating on me.  dated - fell in love once or twice - fell out of love - dated some more - played the cougar once which lasted until i figured out his mom was only three years older than me - did the e-harmony thing - got engaged - found out e-harmony does not screen out the trait of ... what's the male version of gold digger - broke up and have become a cynic about love. 

that's the quick view.  i can be glib as i've processed all of this....as my old myspace friends can testify - boy have i processed this and written about it.  *laugh*  i guess that is why i don't talk about it. 

  this is my version of love:  if you have it, hold on and cherish it all that you can.  long lasting love is a rare, delicate flower that must be constantly fed and nourished.  sometimes we starve it or forget to water it and, in the rare cases - it can make a comeback....but it's been my experience it either dies or gets killed.  i'm in constant awe of people ... like beth, who seem more in love with their partners than even the day they met. 

so, i would classify myself as a hopeless romantic.  no....no....no, that that kind of romantic - hopeless - without hope.  i'm hopeless when it comes to romance.  if it jumps up and slaps me in the face, maybe i will believe again...as for now...well, there is always photography.

thoreau is right

gratitude:: day 20 of 30

it's official....i'm crazy about love. you could say that i'm in love with love. that's right. i'm one of those weird creatures that is a practical romantic.

they say that everyone has two sides of their natures - my two sides are practical (reasonable, down-to-earth, problem solver) that is juxtapositioned with a romantic that wants to believe all fairy tales come true.

now...usually, my practical nature takes over because, well, it's just easier to live most days in taking care of business. but....i get girlish giggles when there is evidence that true love reigns.

i'm a sucker for the fluffy chick flicks with improbable happenings like a random late night phone call to a radio show leads to true love atop the empire state building - that someone can be captured by pirates and survive to rescue his true love from an evil prince....the tender trap that fairytales and barbies sets us up for to always be disappointed. *sigh*

yes...i'm a sucker for love. and though love hasn't always treated me kindly, i still hold a sweet spot for it in the very center of my heart. and i'm grateful that i've loved before...even though i've lost. when the time comes again, i'll be ready.

gratitude:: day 17 of 30

i will admit this series is difficult for me as i struggle to write every day. and the thing about gratitude is, it does not lend itself to whiny posts or vents...or any of the other things that human nature is wont to display on typical days. the series, as self described is about gratitude, and as such is to make the writer really take a bit of time to explore all the wonderful things to be grateful about...instead of you know, whining.

the last two mornings have been misty gray as i drive into work and as i crest the hill to my parking deck, i can see the faint mist rising from the alabama river that is a few blocks over. the trees lining the river have turned yellow and through the mist look like ladies spreading their skirts in a curtsy. the shadows shade the buildings as the sun hasn't risen high enough to overtake the shadows and the capital dome is still pink with the morning light. even with the hussle and bussle of traffic, the colors are soft and comforting.

in the evening, i reverse the trip. as i walk to the deck though, the colors are lavenders and pinks as the sun ebbs away from the sky. no reds in the sunset here - just a quiet passing of the day. and as i exit the deck, the sky is dark except for the hundreds of red tail lights in front on me.

i'm thankful for the softer colors of fall, the beauty that is amid all of the structure and hurly-burly ways of the working day. the time to slow and be mindful - grateful - and humbled. even when i fight it kicking and stomping in protest.

and mr. alligator here also reminds me, that it is a time for charity (love) in our hearts. in this time of seeking to find warmth, that maybe we can cast a bit of our warmth out into the universe. i hope you are met today with warmth,kindness, and - something (as the man wrote) there is just too little of.

oh.....love

oh...heaven. oh...dreamy.

have you seen this little beauty from rollei? i swear if i had like a job and money. one of these would be mine. mine. mine. mine. and i would pet it and love it and cherish it. *sigh*

okay - just had to share.

this moment

in this moment the world is perfect. in this moment, the pugs are snoring at my feet. the sun has shown its pretty face and a butterfly is dancing on the wind. in this moment, life has balance and purpose. in this fine, fine, fine moment.

in this moment i'm surrounded by love. my mother's things, my father's handicraft, memories of those who have gone on before us but leave a legacy. in this moment, all possibilities are mine. in this moment i can close my hand around them and hold on so very tight.

in this moment peace has been given to me. and in this moment, i am truly grateful.

happiness is a shelter in the storm

amazing weekend really. amazing. this weekend, for the first time in like forever my entire immediate family had a spend the night party at the lake. we cooked together, laughed together, dried baby tears, slept, and got caught in the rain. and i didn't take my camera. on purpose. that's right. on purpose.

and because i can't drink it in deep enough for find enough words to tell you about the love that fills my heart tonight:

:: baby curls, "come on", mockingbird, sleepy on the boat, sweet kisses
:: lioness hair, m&m thief, dolphin/mermaid swimmer, giggler, lollypop biter
:: intrepid boatrider, swimmer, brown as a berry, skittle eater, sleepyhead
:: the cusp of child and adult, tube rider, helper, hot wing eater, game player
:: nurturer, funny, cautious, cuddler, exotic-named, love you - mean it
:: strong, caretaker, PETE!!!, babytoter, boathand, driver, quiet man
:: baby bro, wrapped daddy, giver of airplane rides, captain, safety man
:: momma, sweetness and glamor girl entertwined, funny, champagne

all wrapped up in delish memories of hot wings and omelettes (not at the same time), boat rides, patio sitting and raining watching. there were a thousand shots i could have taken (and part of me wishes that i did) but i have them all snapped in my mind.