January 13, 2011
i never can pronounce it right - chop-RA or CHO-pra
i've been giving a lot of thought lately to what purpose my life has ... well besides just the living it to the best of my ability. sometimes i struggle with that - about, mattering and leaving something behind that i can be proud of at the end of the day. and, i do think that...mostly, usually....well, on the good days. and most of my days lately are good days. of course on the bumpy days i certainly tend to think "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think i'll go eat worms." isn't that self-doubt thing a pain in the rumpus? but aside from all of that... am i here only to be a good sister, a good aunt, a good worker, a good friend....a good...something...fill in the blank...depends on the day of the week?
how do you know? i feel stagnant and stale. not in a bad mopey way. i mean, my life is good. there is no drama - my family is well, work is settling back down (i think), and well....it's good. is this contentment? am i supposed to feel something ...more? what is more?
or is more something like that funny thing....happiness? the more you search the further it is until one day you just wake and realize, it was right there beside you and you didn't shake it's hand? these are thoughts running through my brain. and i relate some of them back to reading chopra's thoughts on "how to be happy" when he says, "life has a purpose."