I haven't really been chatty lately. It's the summer doldrums or something or the heat has just sapped my brain. Thoughts have flitted about like dragonflies and never land in one place too very long.
Relationships have been on my mind lately - the whys and whynots of how they work out (or don't). I read a quote by Pearl Buck where she basically says every mistake has a halfway point where one is capable of calling it back before the mistake happens. I wonder about that. When we are barreling along that traintrack - can we really call it back? Even if the thought runs through my mind ('shit! this is a bad idea.') I rarely stop and assess the situation. Usually I grab the nearest umbrella and dive off that cliff anyway. Sometimes I think the situation can be repaired if it doesn't go well - sometimes, well - I have this bad habit of thinking I know best. Yes, I know - the perils of being an oldest child. (We're bossy and think we're sometimes smarter than we really are.)
Is making the bad choice really better than making no choice? There is that old adage about loving and losing - blah, freaking blah. But in that losing - does it gradually build up until we have enough of loss totally? And we give it up - loss that is. I don't know - these are just thoughts in my mind and nothing and no one in particular.
I know that no one can enter into a relationship with the idea or attitude that it could end tomorrow because, it probably will if you send that message throughout the time together. Look hard enough and you will find enough wrong with someone to push them away. And, an unforgiving heart usually dumps the whole shabang over the cliff.
So, I sit and I think. I go and I do. I ponder and sigh. Relationships will always be a great mystery to me - a puzzle solver. And...that's okay with me.