January 6, 2009
and it grinds me
My frozen spirit aches
I slip another day
Start to lose my grip
Find another way~~ Grind Me in the Gears by Edwin McCain
Today was a mish-mash of different issues. Some were etiquette questions like how much do you spend on a wedding present for someone you love but you haven't seen or heard from them in two years until you got the wedding invitation? And...also factor into the equation, I'm unlikely to see them for another two to three years. After much deliberation, I was told $50 sounds about right. shhhh, don't tell them I got the beautiful white milk glass pitcher on their bridal register.
Another issue was the further proof that it is very difficult to teach old dogs new tricks. Bless his heart - a very thin veneer of civilized behavior over the past three months does not change years of abusive behavior to my sister. Which brings up an interesting question. If someone apologizes and you're too hurt to forget, does that erase the sin? I have no problems with forgiveness....but forgetting sometimes is my stumbling block.
Then...a dear friend's dear friend is dying. Yes, I can say that word - I've had up close and personal experience with death. My heart is wrung as I wish I could hold her hand as she's holding her friend's hand. The dark and sad path we all walk from time to time. The knowledge that twists the stomach in knots over letting go and holding on...and knowing really that you cannot hold on and you have to let them fly.
A difficult day...and the weather cooperates with the gray mood. The sky opened and washed the world with buckets and buckets of cotton wool tears, changing the warm air to chill and sending windstorms across the hills. Water in the parking lot is almost ankle deep as rain is falling faster than the ground can soak it up.
I haven't been sleeping except in little hour naps during the night. The day is easily filled with errands and tasks. Deciding what to move, filing papers and wrapping up loose ends with the ending of my job. Easy to occupy my mind - the ability to list and organize. Night is my enemy - sleep is my enemy as it allows my mind to roam free. Issues shoved to the back grapple each other to burst from the door of my dreams - tap dancing across the stage in weird, clomping fits and starts, gloaming onto seemingly resolved decisions. I feel as if I'm watching a weird compressed version of Thelma Survived the Grand Canyon to Marry Dr. Frankenfurter. Yeah...that weird. Maybe I should stop drinking pinot after eight.
But, I'm feeling better tonight. I've been reading from an old favorite of mine. One I like to read when I'm feeling frozen and unable to move. "Making Choices" by Alexandra Stoddard. I go back and read underlined passages from when I first read the book in 1994 (when I was going through my divorce). Today I was struck by this --
"Tragedies don't go away by denial. Many choices make us feel vulnerable and most involve fear, but all require action."
scribbled by Char