In looking back at life we sometimes string together a necklace of sorrows to horde and worry when we feel the lowest. We rub and polish them, knowing the comfort of the dark hollow as fear anchors to that deep well that serves as our drink.
Sure, in the string there are a few sparkles but we bankrupt the emotions so not to allow the sparkles to overtake the necklace. And we wonder...we are astonished that we ended up again in this place. Then, again, it is comfortable here...it's a place we know when we feel sorrow for ourselves. Like fuzzy slippers.
It's when we begin to feel joy and happiness that we fear. We grow afraid that we will lose that warm, dear, cherished glow that a tiny seed starts in our heart. In that fear, we suppress the joy - we're afraid that others will be jealous and poke holes in the fabric. We're afraid that if we have joy that something will snatch it away and smash it. But we cannot dwell and live in that fear. I tell myself that constantly. That if I keep calling fear to me - that it will continue to visit and dine at my table. My witty companion, entertaining me with bon mots of my failures, tweaking my ego with dirty gritty film noir of my pettiness or times I allowed myself to be mean or cruel. I mean, who could love someone that unloveable, right?
I think that's why I've been so obsessed with light and the color aqua lately. In moving, I've flung open the doors and have begun to take out all of the trash in my life. Friends that have known me for a while, have listened to my thinly disguished bravado of "I'm moving" for the past five to six years. They've patted my hand and smiled as I have grand plans. Now, that fears have eaten at my table - I've had to face their whispers. And, I don't like it. My fears are no one I want for my friend. They have horrible table manners. (Not to drive a theme home or anything there)
Loved items are finding good homes. Excess is being dealt with. Can't live without are going with me. I'm lighter every day that passes this month. I'm rediscovering bits and pieces I've hidden in the dark. Though there are stumbling blocks I'm navigating, I'm making it. I am making it. Not that I won't be scared again - not that I'm walking with a blindfold....but, I'm doing alright.