it's dawn and the traffic is barely moving outside my windows - the light is gray and the mercury lights are casting a yellow glow on the damp pavement. my cheek itches as a mosquito bit me while I fitfully slept last night. this is the earliest I've awoken in a month.
the shower is warm and washes away the sleep from my eyes and I realize what I've been feeling is grief. grief for a job that I haven't had for a month. I used to fuss and rail at getting up at 6:30 and now I would love to have a purpose to do so. I know that I will love the new life before me but the realization that the denial and lack of motivation was in truth, grief, instead of depression frees me. the mirror reflects the knowledge in my eyes.
my hair wrapped in a sage green towel, the television murmuring in the background - TLC I think. I make my list of tasks for the day. today my focus is the bedroom. my comfort and my retreat. I wonder what to do with the Tarkay that has been my companion over the years. two women at a bistro, I've often wondered what they chatted about as they sipped their wine. was it men, fashion or other meaningles gossip? or was it poetry, fiction or some other bit of knowledge? who knows?
nothing is forever, not even this. the month is almost over and february beckons to me. waving its arms and calling, promises of chocolate and laughter - warmth of a family. and I hear the echoes of warmth that will come again. I hear the giggles of children and it makes me smile. and I rise like Maya...oh yes, I rise.
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Beautifully written. I'm not there yet.
ReplyDeletei have always thought january is the toughest month to get through in the year -- even more so in times like these. but it is great to know that you are on your way to better days!
ReplyDeleteand i am gaga for that photo. you are good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love this. It is how I feel sometimes. I really hate this time of year, most of the time. I found that when I keep myself, almost overloaded with projects that I can see spring peeking around the corner and that gives me pleasure and hope. I cant' wait for the hint of green something, my favorite color.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. There is something so wonderful about hope for better days and our courage to meet them. Thanks and happy Tuesday to you!
ReplyDelete"I hear the echoes of warmth that will come..." Oh, how I love that line! And the photo -- oh my!!!
ReplyDeletebeautiful writing and such a wonderful image - it speaks of possibilities and growth - branching out and reaching for the light.
ReplyDeleteFood for my soul, I love that you are so clever.
ReplyDeleteWow, this was quite inspiring and moving to read. So aptly described. I know you will rise again too :)
ReplyDeleteMy first time here and I've read many of your posts and came back to this one.
ReplyDeleteI arrived via Mary of the Little Red House. And when I came here, it felt like (for lack of a better expression) coming to the home of a friend.
My sister's name is Charlotte as is my mother's and I've always loved that name. I am so sorry to hear about your job.
I bless every day that I have mine, despite having to wake at 6 an to arrive there by 7:30! But I totally sympathize with you because I'm living with someone who has lost his job, will not be able to work again, and is suffering from it.
I love your advice for a bad day! And your photographs are wonderful. Don't even come look at mine, k? I haven't posted anything beautiful in awhile. Maybe I need to listen to the wind. Or light another candle.
(I apologize for the lengthy comment here!!)
CG - thank you for your lengthy comment and visit. And...typing those initials (mine are that coincidently). I love your thoughts. And I loved the shots you posted of the building.
ReplyDeleteloved the photo... this is so "me"... i'll come back later to read the words, but just had to tell you how awesome i thought the photo was!
ReplyDelete(and if this doesn't make a person laugh just at the silliness of it, my word verification was "brickoo". i don't know why i find that funny, but i really do!)