January 7, 2011

worn

being back in the small town it is evadable that i run into you in the weirdest of places, usually at lunch and when i'm in a hurry.  the last time i was vulnerable, whipped and hurting.  today not so much.  today i felt confident and happy - the sun was shining.  i didn't notice you at first or maybe out of the corner of my eye i saw a ghost, i don't know.

it wasn't until i heard your voice behind me as i signed the charge slip, 'pick up for robert' that my stomach lurched. i slipped my wallet back into my purse.  i didn't turn my head - that would give it away that i cared after all these years.  and i tell myself i don't.  not really - i don't think about you much except in the hazy, fuzzy, life used to be romantic ways.  we had so many shared memories that when someone says "as you wish" or "make it so" i think you you.  just like the sight of andes mints, sail boats, and moccasins remind me of you.  i don't remember the bitter feelings or have that taste in my mouth until ... well today, when you didn't acknowledge me but instead watched me drive away in my blue jeep. 

and as i drove away i remember thinking, 'he's so gray'. 

24 comments:

  1. oh wow... love this. Happy New Year!

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  2. Good expression of your thoughts and feelings Char. Don't wear them on your sleeve honey!
    Have a great weekend! Stay warm...we are expecting some weird weather Sunday!

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  3. Char, this is so beautifully written/expressed! As I was reading it, I was there...I was you...I was feeling what you were feeling...it almost took my breath away.

    Very touching.

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  4. Well it's not just me who thinks this was very well-written. And that's not to say that your posts aren't always.
    It's just the way you described it, I felt like I was there - as if it were happening to me.
    Aren't you glad he's so gray? I know that I am and I don't even know him.

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  5. oh, slam dunk..."he's so gray"!!! (glad you aren't hurting as much).

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  6. you just spilled a bit of your heart in a beautiful way.
    like kate, i felt like i was right there, too....yet i can't really imagine your feelings, or the voice inside of you, or anything else regarding the memories you own and shared.....

    sometimes life tests us...and i think that's what just happened to you....i think some tests should be rolled up into a little ball and thrown into the garbage can next to the teacher's desk.

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  7. I know I've said it before, but you are such a wonderful writer!!!

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  8. you have let us step into your world a little bit...and I glad you are finding yourself in a better place...and that he is so gray!

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  9. oh this says it all .. those moments of emotional testing .. you drew me into your feelings with this char

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  10. This was really gorgeous in it's narration. Definitely one of my favorite posts to date :)

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  11. your have opened up a little bit of your heart with such beautiful, touching words. i can just see you there, every action, feel every thought... very moving.

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  12. Hi Char,
    First time reading your blog and I was drawn right in. As a fellow photographer I was looking at your images (beautiful!) but I was drawn in by your writing.
    leslie

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  13. Char....

    this was exquisite , poignant, yet I felt hope.
    I don't know the situation, can sort of put it together,

    I wish you peace , more and more and always.

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  14. Hello Char - from Aix en Provence,

    Lovely...just lovely...touching...poignant...and ever-so-relate-able! I found myself lingering on the last word as I digested the whole of it. Nice.

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  15. Beautiful. Just beautiful writing and imagery and raw emotion - beautiful.

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  16. i love it. you went deep and i was with you all the way.
    xo

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  17. I find that I have dreams that include mine sometimes. The fact that they aren't bad dreams comforts me. It tells me that I'm getting past the hurt.

    But, it's still somehow comforting to see that they have grayed, isn't it? Mine looks old now.

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  18. Well written...and that last line was killer!!
    Love that.

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i feel as if each comment was between us as we sat and sipped something warm....i love to hear what you're thinking.