December 25, 2007
now i sleep and tomorrow it is over. and, the new year is almost here. i am feeling a deep breath coming on.
December 14, 2007
I have a feeling that nothing anyone can unwrap about me is very shocking or surprising. This 18 month or so journey into myself has done as much as a lot of therapy has in the past. It's helped me hold a mirror in front of me and face some simple facts. Among the most comforting and then the scariest at the time time is that I'm not alone in the fears that I face. One of the things that feeds the monster is the feeling of isolation and freak-dom that I thought I felt because of the things that happened.
So, I continue to face my mirror, getting down to the true me - bones, skin and all of the terrible parts I never wanted to digest.
December 11, 2007
The representative today made me think of that quote about being kinder than necessary because we never know what the other person is experiencing. In today's world I find it difficult to think that many people do it. But she was...overly kind. Some how it made me cry harder.
Maybe that's why people aren't kinder. Because of those feelings we feel when someone is kind. Maybe we've grown so accustomed to cruelty and abuse we no longer recognize the goodness. Maybe in the past kindnesses have been used as weapons. You know those trojan bastards set a bad example of that with gift horses.
Kindess cruelty is that passive agressive sword that carves a wide path of destruction and insecurity. Some people have become so talented at it, it is difficult to recognize at first. But it rips at a soul and renders that person insecure and timid....or, it can have the opposite effect of making them cruel. Always with the extremes, no?
I'm not sure where that came from, so I'm going to let this piece of my soul lay barren. Admit that I have problems accepting kindnesses at face value. Maybe from that I can learn the lesson taught today.
December 10, 2007
December 7, 2007
Life has an ebb and flow much like the ocean. Ups and downs much like the tidal pull of the moon. I've been thinking a lot of things I need to let go - things that I may never see an end to or know why it works that way. Things that drag me down like the mariner's albatross. Why I chain myself when I could be free.
Instead of sending messages in a bottle. What if I put in worries and woes and let them go. Without guilt. Without worry. Maybe with a smidgen of love and a sigh of release? If I could envision letting these things go, maybe I would feel more at ease with myself. I know the person that burdens herself the most is, well....me. I wrap myself in chains and as the Eagles say, "never know I have the key."
Well, actually I do know that I have the key. But, I'm afraid of using it at times. I've grown so used to the weight of the chains that I'm scared to know what it's like to feel "light." Funny word "light." You can feel light, meaning you don't weigh as much or....you can have "light". Light illumination in the darkness.
So....I digress as I often do. Taking the sidecar to other places in my thoughts. Opening this door and that one, just to remember what I put there. Another way of avoiding letting go. So...what will I put in the bottle today? What will I let go of - releasing it so I no longer have to carry it around?
Today I'm going to work on false guilt. It's a big burden. I put on myself the burden of things that I think others expect of me. I hold on so tight that I beat myself with it. Things I thought I should have done when there was no other alternative. Things I wish I had done when there was no way to to them. A lot of things. Guilt, as Sister aptly pointed out, is admission of a crime. We think we're more criminal than we truly are usually. Well...some of us do anyway. But that's another blog.