June 27, 2008

lil' cuties

Last night I got the pleasure of going out with a new group of people to take shots and parents generously volunteered their children to be shot, urrrr, photographed. I felt like the noob with a lens everyone was coveting but I didn't know what it was. I just knew how much it cost. But last night, under the tutoring of some folks that knew what the hell they were doing - I felt like a portrait maker. Even the humidity didn't bother me (that much).....

I love reconnecting with my inner photographer that doesn't care about perfection or the many worries that comes with publishing ... but just the joy of the shot and the fun in editing. I listened to the professionals as they talked about how tough it was to make a living at photography. How stock photographers are only paid about a buck a shot. How many weddings you have to shoot a year...and I absorbed. Then they asked me, what was my area of interest....

Me? I'm proudly a hobbyist. In the past whenever I've tried to make money at a hobby all of the life was sucked out of it and I looked like, well an old lemon husk after the lemonade stand was shut down. I enjoy what I dabble in and I have serious CAS (canon asquistion syndrome).

June 26, 2008

untitled title

I woke up this morning miserable and burnt out. Aching and hurting and all the other things that one's body perceives when it's just tired of pushing on. I rolled into my clothes and pulled up a pony tail. I've been on a roller coaster ride this week, culminating with a steep hill of emotion last night when I opened a "thinking of you" card from my mother's best friend. Immediately I burst into tears. I never expected it to be this raw...especially at seven months.

Then this morning, I read a question. What were you doing ten years ago? Funny how life can change in ten years? Ten years ago, I had both of my parents. Dad was in the beginning stages of his cancer but still happy and active.

Ten years ago I had one precious nephew and one newborn nephew. I was a decade younger and a bit more hopeful. I had seen hell and had come through it. I had just graduated college and was embarking on a new career. Life was about travel and music and friends. I was silly and funny....and whimsical.

A decade later my life is upside down. The career is a bit settled. The nephews are growing faster than I ever believed. And I have precious nieces too. I've lost both my parents and I miss them horribly -- even when I used to bitch about my mother, I miss her. I'm not quite as hopeful, there have been set-backs as always. Loves came and left during that time. But I've grown comfortable with solitude without feeling the urge to take in more cats. And, I've become convinced that I just need a vacation. Yes.....a vacation is exactly what I need.

June 22, 2008

Ups and Downs

Up - awoke at 3:30 with this urge to take sunrise shots
Down - fell back asleep and didn't get out of house until 7:00

Up - decided to go to botanical garden to practice shots with 100 mm lens and capture some bokeh
Down - batteries died about 50 shots in as the idiot didn't recharge the batteries (even the spare)

Up - drove by french bakery and my favorite green olive boule was on special today. also bought ham & Jarlsberg croissant
Down - was out of milk and had to go back out to store so I could drink coffee with croissant

Up - went by Zoe's for chicken salad to go with olive bread
Down - the pasta salad I also purchased was too filled with basil (who knew there was too much basil?)

Up - uploaded Lightroom with no problems
Down - still having problems with CS3 (but that will get better)

Up - productive afternoon cataloging old photographs
Down - some old photographs can make one cry

life is ups and downs. The ups more than make up for the downs lately.

June 18, 2008

tiny little obsessions

photoshop and textures.....and the feel of vintage photography.
cherry limeade with extra cherries.
my nieces.
the michael kors that is staying in the store....but I visit it often.

  • stories about love found after years of longing.
  • motown.
  • my quest for the perfect flats.
  • fresh vegetables.
Today I opened my front door and a cool breeze riffled through my hair and a small intake of breath happened before I could stop it. I smiled and thanked the sky for its blessing. Tonight there will be a full moon and maybe I can gaze for a while.

Last night I talked to a friend about cleaning drama from my life and realize, my life has been drama free for a while. I like it. I'm finally a grown up where the words "yes" and "no" bring me simply happiness without agony of indecision or pleasing.

June 17, 2008


my life has been boring, really - just any of my friends. but sometimes boring is good, it just leaves you nothing to write about.

summer always makes me think of warm water from the hosepipe just before get sprayed by your friends, long bicycle trips to the Y, ghost stories, watermelon, cousins, squeezing lemons on my hair, coppertone, rubber flip-flops in red, running home to be in by dark, plums, swimming in the lake, my birthday, burgers on the grill, potato chips, attic fans, best friends, the glowing grave, suicide specials at the ball park, first kisses, giant sweet tarts that blistered your tongue and pixie sticks.

now I slather on creams to prevent sun, use expensive cream rinse, drive too much and talk to my friends too little. the water is from a brita filter, my flip flops cost too much, the baseball no longer interests me (except for a live game), the glowing grave is not as appealing without the sweet smell of honeysuckle and a boy to kiss, and it's too hot to stay outside.

summer is when I first fell in love. summer is when I sat on the stoop with a boyfriend because I couldn't date until I was 16 (I finally broke their resistance at 15). summer is long fine hair with hot wind blowing through and shorts that stick to the back of your legs from the vinyl seats. summer is visiting my aunt louise and my cousin patty. summer is the time of illicit romances away from home as my cousin was a bad influence - kissing boys as we parked at Dothan High School and drinking cheap wine until our heads spun. summer is my uncle calvin boiling peanuts as he sat drink his bud with piles of salt on the rim. summer is laying at the foot of the bed with the windows cracked and listening to the attic fan as it pulls a breeze to cool you. summer is the smell of ozone if you could convince your parents to turn on the window unit.

June 13, 2008

June 9, 2008


If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?
— Dogen

Isn't this the esscence of our inner explorations. The search for our "great truth"?

June 8, 2008

Last Night and Today

they reminded me of fireworks


my favorite I think

love the color on this one

pottery lady

let's face it - I like this too

June 4, 2008


I started and re-wrote this blog about four or five times. I guess the original thought I had in my mind when I started muddled and muddied until I could not hold on to it. There is an exercise my professor used to make us do - the uninterrupted stream where we had to sit for ten to fifteen minutes during class and write every thought that came out of our head as we were thinking them. Some of the thoughts got quite brutal and he would ask for volunteers to read them. Some would cause tears, some laughter...but it was a good exercise at feeling what you're feeling.

Other times he would bring in a grab bag of "stuff" and we would have to blindly plunge in our hands and write a page about whatever item we pulled out. It would sometimes be weird things like a ceramic chicken salt shaker or a blue silk rose.

I've let my brain get in my way so I feel stifled and blocked. Funny when you keeping thinking of something it gets harder and harder to do as you continue to build up resistence in your head. It's like telephone calls or apologizing....or, other stuff. The longer you wait the more difficult it becomes.

June 1, 2008

lazy busy sunday

funny how my sunday mornings are usually spent in some reflection time as well as an overall sense of laziness - of course there is a healthy dose of coffee addiction thrown in. today, however, I awoke with a sense that I had to go somewhere. now with gasoline at almost four bucks, that anywhere is fairly limited on a beginning of the month budget. so, I did a little internet research and ended up in Helena - about 20ish miles from my apartment. old town Helena is quaint about two blocks long. there is a smallish lake with a smallish dam and a depot. I did find a cute neighborhood that looked like small houses in orange beach. so, I snapped off a few shots. I came home and snapped a few before making lunch.

I've become so immune to relationships lately. it seems that most people interested in me are not really available in the way that I want them to be - now, it would stand to reason if that's what I'm attracting then it must be what I want. enough about that really. maybe watching SATC made me think about that.

I sat at the dam today, watching a guy play fetch with his dog. it was peaceful and calming. the sun was bright and the air was thick and humid. that's summer in the south - air you can drink at times and sweat can form at 8:00 a.m. I wandered with my tripod and watched dragonflies flit across the water - wishing one would light somewhere close enough. butterflies fluttered from clover to clover and tiny blackberries were ripening and rotting on the briers. in the distance, I heard the train whistle.

the clouds thickened and grew a bit darker and the air got heavier as I got back in the jeep. I found cheap gas and finished filling the tank. church traffic built as I drove the more country of the roads. at home, the neighbor sits on the stoop smoking cigarettes in the heat. the smoke drifted up in lazy circles and I sniffed longing again (as always) for just one puff.

how can one think of everything but really nothing. there is no drama in my life - of course I've carefully made it so....so many of my friends are surrounded by drama. I called a friend for breakfast but she's already had hers. there is one krispy kreme left and I submit to it's siren screech. the tv plays steele magnolias and I laugh as my favorite lines kick off from the start. I'll turn it before it gets sad.

so, sunday - lazy, hot and thickly humid sunday. the rain blew in and out quickly and the cat lays watching me type. I feel rudderless and yet, purposeful.

so, I'm feeling artsy

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.