back in the day

i used to try and write now and again. that is until i figured out that my pieces of fiction never read as effortless and beautiful as some of those i admire. i found i was somewhere (hopefully) between gifted writers and those who think they can write but are secretly pitied. (bless their hearts)

being an avid reader, you think (sometimes) i had childhood memories - i had pain - i had happiness - i had funny. and then the lined paper stares back at you as you doodle hearts and cubes in the corner. and suddenly that whimsical little story about your dad skiing through the pine trees cursing up a storm - not so funny anymore. and if you juxtaposition that against finding your cousin floating diaper up in the lake not so much tragic as just sad (he didn't drown - he was saved in time). and your thoughts about relations are not like carrie's but just the unfunny ramblings of another lonely woman. so you hold yourself back and you doubt.

no one wants the pity really. well...some people like pity but not me. and some people like the, 'no no, you can write' but i know the truth. i'm one of those people that step up first for honesty as i really dislike feeling a fool later. but it doesn't stop me from really wanting to be a writer. and secretly writing anyway - writing little two page fictional stories full of pain - because hasn't oprah taught us that a really successful book is painful and sad? and doesn't it touch back on what beth and i were discussing? that a happy life is boring and people like to read about painful things because they are in pain?

is that really the case? do we want hope or the acknowledgement that (as wesley says) 'life is pain princess'? i try to keep a positive attitude - i do. but in five months that has become pretty battered and mangled. and my brain hurts from sending out so many resumes and writing trite, simple, eye-catching cover letters. and you never hear back from any of them. and you look at the car in the driveway and think how your money will run out before the loan is paid fully. but i digress (see a big writer word there.)

i used to write now and again.