dear charlane, it's been a while since i have really faced you in the mirror. and if it wasn't for this writing exercise, i'm not sure if i would have had the courage to do it now. because the mirror you see brings a sense of honesty and forthright"ness" that you don't have when you sit and mull over your life. valentine's day is tomorrow - the day you struggle with and waver back and forth about. you love it and you hate it. you envy those that celebrate and you scoff. you tell yourself that you like being alone. and for the most part you do. i love that about you. i love your independence and willingness to do things alone. things that you had to learn the hard way - like eating alone, going places alone, and well... to be very forthright, sleeping alone. you struggled with those until now, instead of struggles, they have almost become a preference. you cultivate an almost jackie o sense of yourself when you look inside.
there are days that it is difficult to tell you that i love you. your defense mechanism is humor and when backed into a deep corner sarcasm. there are days that you do wonder are you enough, do you love yourself to be enough. but then your strength rises up, and you say "yes...i am". even when it is bitter in your mouth, you know....you know.
you open your heart wide to those that love you and welcome them inside - inside the heart's velvety and forgiving cushion. feeding them sweetmeats of your love in anyway that you can. you shelter them and hold them tight. you open your heart to friends and others on your path. sometimes there are thorns that prickle and scratch. luckily there are healing salves for that. and you trace your fingers on scar tissue - the fractures of your heart that haven't healed. not enough to let romance inside. and you tell yourself that....this life is good enough without it. and it is. you have chosen your life exactly as it is. now ask yourself - is that what you wanted.
because i do love you warts and all. that weird combination of strength and weakness. and as you face tomorrow and the paper hearts, the out pouring of love - breathe it in. and know. know that you are loved - not only by friends and family. but by yourself.
me
