In spite of everything, I remain hopeful that good will come out of it. I know there are times I'm scared that no matter what I do or what I change that this existence will be the rest of my life.
I've been on my own for a while - no children, no spouse - while the majority of my friends have at least one or the other. It can be lonely but as a friend pointed out, it makes you self-aware. Sometimes TOO self-aware and perhaps even dabbling into "head up my own ass" syndrome (shall we call it HUMOA?). It can be very self-indulgent as I've learned how to be very set in my own ways. I like my towels folded a certain way, sugar NOT splenda, and cheetoes at 10:00 p.m. after I didn't have time to get dinner before class. It can be wonderful on days I decide to do the things that only please me.
But...at the heart of it all, I want to be a part of something - and yes, I'm a part of the world, friendships, family, blah, blah, blah...but ahhh, that something. Part of this has been at my own making - the shell that I wear and adorn - but part of this is having the tools stripped from me. The ones that used to make me feel so self-confident.
And age....damned age.