on depression

I never really understood it before. Sure I held hands with friends and comforted them. I watched my mother go through a valium addiction in dealing with her depression. I watched friendships break up over depression. But, I always felt like an outsider looking in. Until now.

Now I get it. The tide of anger and sorrow has washed completely over me like a giant wave of black funk. I can cry at the drop of a hat and that damn hat drops every time I turn.

I'm fighting back. I am. Standing at the door with teeth armed and growls bursting through my chest. That is whenever I don't feel like laying prostrate in my bed not wanting to breath because it's too much effort. I haven't felt like talking, smiling or lifting a finger. Turning my head is a bit too much effort.

Therapy is good. It is. But peeling back the layers. That is difficult and consuming.

A new year, a new me?

God, I didn't think 2008 was ever freaking going to get here. It was a long, hard, difficult, soul-numbing year. So many things happened and though the end seemed slow it when by in a nano-second.

After cleaning this week, my attitude is better and I've indulged this bit of depression as long as I can. So, there. I do feel better and I've been a big believe in "feeling my feelings" as the past therapist has told me. So, I've been feeling them and had a very lovely depression. Now, not to say I won't have my lapses of tears - but I find myself spritzing on a bit of cologne and putting on mascara again.

Maybe I'll even peek my head out of a cave or something. We will see.