i never can pronounce it right - chop-RA or CHO-pra

thoreau was right, there is not remedy for true love - unconditional love.  just an observation really.  and a thought about love.

i've been giving a lot of thought lately to what purpose my  life has ... well besides just the living it to the best of my ability.  sometimes i struggle with that - about, mattering and leaving something behind that i can be proud of at the end of the day.  and, i do think that...mostly, usually....well, on the good days.  and most of my days lately are good days.  of course on the bumpy days i certainly tend to think "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think i'll go eat worms."  isn't that self-doubt thing a pain in the rumpus?  but aside from all of that... am i here only to be a good sister, a good aunt, a good worker, a good friend....a good...something...fill in the blank...depends on the day of the week? 

how do you know?  i feel stagnant and stale.  not in a bad mopey way.  i mean, my life is good.  there is no drama - my family is well, work is settling back down (i think), and well....it's good.  is this contentment?  am i supposed to feel something ...more?  what is more?

or is more something like that funny thing....happiness?  the more you search the further it is until one day you just wake and realize, it was right there beside you and you didn't shake it's hand?  these are thoughts running through my brain.  and i relate some of them back to reading chopra's thoughts on "how to be happy" when he says, "life has a purpose."

Gratitude:: day 9 of 30

there is a light within all of us - it's the decision to make the best of a situation or to grumble, grumble and make the worse. i'm grateful that i have embraced trying to make the best of any situation - not that it's always easy or it solves it. it's just that decision helps me find the light within to see my way out of the dark place.

i used to laugh when people told me that happiness is a choice. i thought no one really understood me or got what i've been through. then suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. everyone has burdens and life situations that were beyond their control, that they did not choose or want, things that were heaped upon them and i realized, i was nothing special. well...you know what i mean. it meant, though my struggles were significant and real...so were many others struggles. my light flipped on.

and having the light on...it doesn't mean the situation is less than it is. nor does it mean you just sit there. it just helps me to imagine that light beaming to guide me through. seems silly maybe, but it helps.

happiness is a shelter in the storm

amazing weekend really. amazing. this weekend, for the first time in like forever my entire immediate family had a spend the night party at the lake. we cooked together, laughed together, dried baby tears, slept, and got caught in the rain. and i didn't take my camera. on purpose. that's right. on purpose.

and because i can't drink it in deep enough for find enough words to tell you about the love that fills my heart tonight:

:: baby curls, "come on", mockingbird, sleepy on the boat, sweet kisses
:: lioness hair, m&m thief, dolphin/mermaid swimmer, giggler, lollypop biter
:: intrepid boatrider, swimmer, brown as a berry, skittle eater, sleepyhead
:: the cusp of child and adult, tube rider, helper, hot wing eater, game player
:: nurturer, funny, cautious, cuddler, exotic-named, love you - mean it
:: strong, caretaker, PETE!!!, babytoter, boathand, driver, quiet man
:: baby bro, wrapped daddy, giver of airplane rides, captain, safety man
:: momma, sweetness and glamor girl entertwined, funny, champagne

all wrapped up in delish memories of hot wings and omelettes (not at the same time), boat rides, patio sitting and raining watching. there were a thousand shots i could have taken (and part of me wishes that i did) but i have them all snapped in my mind.

don't cha just......

for those that love the little lists...emily over at cupcakes and cashmere did an alternative list to the things that make her happy - - it's the things that make her mad. it reminds me of my friend kurt's blog about his weekly nemesis (i'll link him back in a bit when i can scroll through and find one).

without futher ado...ten little things that tick me off
:: kicking my seat in the theater as well as texting and/or talking during the movie. i paid my ten dollars too. if you want to be rude - wait for the rental. really.
:: leaving your shopping cart in the middle of the aisle while you decide between campbell's and progresso. or....just stopping in the middle the aisle to chat up your fellow clone. makes me want to go all bumper cars with them.
:: people that insist on pulling out in front of you and then driving ten miles below the speed limit. time for my imaginary ram like viking longboats.
:: sales people who never acknowledge you while they ring you up.
:: texting or talking on the phone during dinner. you're here with me - if you wanted to be with someone else - go be with them. though, exceptions include talking to the babysitter or an emergency.
:: using the last paper towel or piece of toilet paper without replacing the roll. it doesn't happen at home but at work it happened all the time.
:: random guys feeling the need to check to see if "the little guy" is still there during a conversation. i don't even think they notice they're doing it....i don't feel the need to touch my crotch, control yours. unless we're dating of course.
:: letting your dog poo in my yard without getting rid of it. that's disgusting.
:: not filling out your deposit slip before you get into the drive-through line at the bank.
:: tossing litter on the ground or out the car window.

what are some of yours?

insert smilie face here

i got errands half-way done, i think that's a good compromise. i even read cassaundra's blog and decided to do the tag where i write six things that make me happy.

photography
don't everyone get all surprised at once yo...yes, photography makes me insanely happy. it was an old friend that i dumped after the sadie hawkins dance in high school and shamelessly picked back up in 2007. i bought her a fancy case and she caved after a few rounds of i'm sorry and a plethra of flowers, trips and a few good looking guys. today was one of those days - you know if you have photography as a hobby - the kind of day where you take a shot and your heart beats a little faster in your chest and you want to race home to download the shots just to see how "that" one looks. more later about the drive along seven bridges road...but here's my favorite sneak peek.


please excuse the softness - this was fully telescoped out to 300mm on a tamron lens (which leans towards softness anyway) with winds gusting to 10-15 mph and it was handheld. i love it anyway.

my family
i'm a goof ball about my family. i'm lucky that way. i know there are people that are not and it makes me sad. really sad. my siblings and i know each other well - all of our faults, flaws, bits and bumps...as well as the wonderful things about each other. it's perfect. plus i have insanely beautiful nieces and nephews. seriously.


I don't lie.

stupid television
reality television - it's soooooo stupid and ridiculous that i love it sometimes. yes, it's rotting my brain (as dennis leary says) and no, it has no socially redeeming features (except maybe how not to act) ... but i grew to love taylor over her short sojourn on tough love and though i haven't voted on american idol, i dig the song stylings of adam lambert. mostly, it's background noise most of the time....but i can live with that (but don't call me during 'the big bang theory' or 'how i met your mom').

music
i've loved music i think since i could form words - some of my most early memories are of music and i can remember very early going to see elvis at the garrett coliseum. though at the time i was in love with paul, i could see what my mom saw in that dark and mystery hip shaker. i remember my ex-husband singing to me in the kitchen while i cooked dinner and weeping copiously to 'i can't make you love me' after the divorce. there are songs that i can't listen to without crying ('amazing grace' and 'wonderful world') and there are my anger songs (yes julie, alanis). but mostly, there is music to anchor my life. my current soundtrack includes...
:: you don't miss your water - otis redding
:: sea breeze - tyrone wells
:: sara - fleetwood mac
:: just my imagination - pete yorn cover
:: georgia on my mind - ray charles
:: push - rob thomas acoustic cover
:: shelter from the storm - bob dylan
:: moon river - patty griffin cover
:: turpentine - brandi carlile
:: solitary man - chris isaak cover
:: northern sky - nick drake
:: the galway girl - sharon shannon
:: someone like you - van morrison
:: into the mystic - van morrison
:: world spins madly on - the weepies
:: i don't know - lisa hannigan

fresh flowers
it doesn't matter if it is wild flowers, grocery store flowers or the florist. i'm crazy about having fresh flowers on my desk. there is something so hopeful about flowers and they always make me smile. well, except for that nasty instance recently with finding aphids all over my soda - they hatched from the queen anne's lace and window warmth and plotted a takeover of my studio. lesson learned about bringing wildflowers inside.


sure - they look all innocent here...but, the aliens were plentiful and fast.

candles
i love candles but it can't be perfume-y candles or crud that makes my head hurt. it has to be lightly scented and natural smelling. so, that usually means some variation of either vanilla or citrus....and occasionally coffee. living in an older house with a full basement and three animals makes candles necessary but moreover, they make me smile. they're warm and inviting. monday nights nights is my cooking night and my sister and her two boys come over to eat and watch television. after shopping for dinner and cooking, lighting the candles just seems like home. even if it's a simple meal like pizza this week.

those are my happy...anyone else feel like sharing happy?

little ways to drive up closer to happiness

one of my favorite sayings about happiness comes from a television show....."money may not buy happiness, but it can buy me a red corvette so I can drive up really close to it." it makes me laugh - because I know in this crazy world that money does not really buy happiness - it just fills a lot of holes we have in our loneliness, anger, or sorrow. but, in the midst of all of that - I can find joy in little bitty things, little nuggets that bring me laughter and that leads to smiles and that...well, it leads to some happy.

so, given my current financial status - how do we do that?

1 - we find bouquets of wildflowers in an vacant lot. we pick them and bring them home to make joy last for more than one day.


2 - you work out trades with talented artists and have beautiful packages arrive in the mail. her cards are even more beautiful in person.


3 - you play silly games on line like "mafia wars" or list five things you will have handy in case of a zombie attack.
4 - you make yummy black bean salsa and grill out a family dinner.
Black Bean Salsa
1 – 2 Medium tomatoes chopped
3 – 4 Green Onions (whatever you like)
1 Can Black Beans (rinsed)
1 Can Corn (I like shoepeg but any works)
1 -2 4-6 Ozs. Of Feta Cheese (I like the tomato/basil kind)
½ Cup of Xtra Virgin Olive Oil
¾ Cups of Vinegar
1 tablespoon Mrs. Dash Sundried Tomato/Basil seasoning (add more if
you like)
5 - buy magazines featuring articles about thrifting or repurposed items. think of ways to repurpose things you already have. haunt thrift stores looking for the perfect find.


6 - you dream about the perfect vacation to take once you find a job again. and then you plan to lose the five or so pounds you put on eating chocolate cake while planning that vacation.

7 - play with the puppies.

8 - plan the perfect bedroom. try to think of how to combine current linens and find something along these soothing lines. continue to scout thrift stores and antique stores to find a beat up mantle.



9 - call an old friend that you haven't spoken to in a long time. talk about the times you froze everyone's bras or put becca's hand in the warm water to see if she would pee (she didn't). then cry when you hear her talk about her daughter's first prom and how beautiful she looked.

10 - watch the Sex and the City movie for the 100th time. cry each time Big proposes to Carrie. then watch The Way We Were and cry when Katie says, "your girl is lovely Hubble."

11 - buy a box of cracker jacks and eat them. even though you only get a lousy tattoo now, rock the tatt in the funniest of places (unless of course you're going on an interview).

12 - wash your linens and then spray them lightly with a mix of lemons and water or if you prefer, lavender water. take a shower and go to bed on the freshly washed linens. sheer heaven.

13 - register for pandora and create your dream play list. they will also suggest artists that sound similar and you might find some new music. better yet - create a playlist feature songs from high school and rock as hard as you did back then. be sure to dance and prance in front of a nearby mirror.

14 - pay something good forward. it will repay you in happiness tenfold. it doesn't have to be money - any good deed will do.

15 - draw a picture for your fridge. better yet - draw your dream picture and include any wishes you want to make happen.

16 - make a collection of your favorite quotes and keep them handy. life is a struggle and there are days it's easy to forget to be motivated. so nothing is happening right now? (true that) we have to stay motivated to work towards building that dock. believe me - I know it is tough to continue to be motivated. I'm not making light - I'm just reminding myself.

17 - instead of wondering "what's in it for me" think about what you can do for someone else. sometimes all someone needs is another person to listen and say, "I care." just doing that can remind you that you are not the only person suffering.

18 - go to the library and check out your childhood favorite books. read them. maybe even out loud. laugh at the funny parts.

19 - channel laurence peter to release some of that anger. (When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout.)

20 - fake it until you ake it. I know that sounds like a cop out and weird advice to fake it...but it actually works sometimes. that we fake it so long that we forget why we were so mad. finally....blog it out (said like Ari Gold). write about happiness, wishes, dreams, wants, needs. sometimes it takes writing it down to realize what you do have working for you.