inner workings

I've come to realize that.....well, a lot of things really. There are many unsolved mysteries in this world but I'm not one of them anymore. I've turned myself inside out and have mostly figured how what makes me tick and what pushes my buttons. Not that I don't get frustrated and angry with myself with I try to make something work and it doesn't.

There are those moments then when I want to fling something across the room and swear in my very loudest voice. *sigh* And then I want to sit and cry at myself. So angry, so tightly wound, so .... just so..... The three-year-old girl in me wants to kick and scream. But, I'm an adult. Those things are really solving nothing, right? Neither does a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream but it feels almost as good.

No, I'll never understand most other people but I have a better handle on myself. These days...or maybe just for today. Who knows?

literally

My sister called - my brother and his family dropped by on the way to the cementary. The girls were dressed extra sweet and they were going by to put flowers on my mother's grave. They had told GA that they were "visiting" Mimi. So, they get to the graveside, GA asks "where's Mimi". My brother said, she's buried here. "Buried! Here?" Yes.

The question was asked, of course...."is this heaven?" No honey, it's just Alabama.

We all miss her.

Sipping coffee and dreamin'

This morning I woke up early - it had been a hot muggy night and I laid there and listened to the steady hum of the fan until the cat found out I was awake. I moved around, feed the feline and sat to wonder what to do. Then I remembered - my favorite part of the late spring - early summer is here. The Saturday veggie market opened today. I shower and grab my oh so yuppie cloth shopping bag. The camera bag was scooped up.

It's a slow start at the Pepper Place. Mostly all that are in are very early baby squash, beets and onions. I think the tomatoes were really from Florida. The coffee man was in place and my favorite bakery had fresh bread. Heaven. I drove by the Botanical Gardens and watched a bit as several little girls in heirloom dressed ran through the rose gardens away from the photographers out for the early light.

Then I remembered cupcakes. What better way to celebrate a day than with cupcakes, right? So, cupcakes and fresh chicken salad was purchased. And I'm home. A perfect kind of morning.

Everywhere I'm flooded with reminders of Mother's Day. There are so many things I could say about that. There are memories of last Mother's Day. Somehow telling my cat that "mama loves you" doesn't quite resonant the way it might with others. I have a mothery personality at times - I want to take care of all my friends and make it right for them. Heal their boo-boos and their hearts with plenty of tea and sympathy. I want to make them laugh. To smile, to sing, to be joyous.

The television is playing low in the background. Rachel is being kinetic and annoying. I sit and sip my slow roasted coffee the woman promised was from Kenya or some exotic land. She waved with a cheery "see you Monday", convinced I would be back for more of the same. How many times do we do something, thinking I'll do this again next time. I savor the moments.

I thought I knew where this writing was going. But, it turns out that I don't. But that's my kind of day really. The unexpected, sometimes delightful twists. I hope you find one for yourself.

Some days

I just feel like letting loose...

Life goes on....and on

And a month later I rose for air. I have been buried under a deluge of work...tedious, eye-killing, mounds of work. But - in all of the chaos I've found that I'm good at something, my job. Sure, it's the one area that I've had confidence about myself. But with the curve balls of the past couple of months I had faltered and stumbled. Though, I'm late...I'm done with my first publishing of my deal. In less fancy financial talk - I told the lender what the borrowers were doing last quarter.

Life seems to be a lot more hectic these days. Where I used to flounder and struggle to keep myself amused at times, staying alone in my alone-ness, now I find I have things to decide upon and which to do. I think maybe this weekend, that's a good thing. It will be six-months since mom died and Mother's Day. I'm going to plow through it and move along.

So, what are my lessons learned lately. I'm as busy as I will let myself be. I really can do something if I put myself into it. Alone is okay. Alone is pleasant most days.

I've started keeping a day book modeled on another blogger that I admire. Here is the latest page out of mine:

Outside my window: it's cloudy with bursts of heavy rain - the glass looks like tarnished silver.
I am thinking: how happy I am that the quarter is published and I can get back to a sense of what I need to do.
I am thankful that: all loved are healthy.
From the kitchen: my cupboards are bare and I need to go to the grocery on the way home.
I am creating: a portfolio
I am going to be working on: the piles of paper on my desk
I am wearing: black pants, white cami, black polka-dot jacket and I've kicked off my heels.
I am reading: nothing currently, perhaps I'll go to the bookstore too.
I am hoping to watch: Ugly Betty.
I am hearing: the hum of the air conditioner and the pelt of the rain hitting my window. There are subdued quiet voices in the far background and my fingers are clicking sporactically on the keyboard.
Around the house: is clutter since I haven't been home much this week. I'm wondering if I should turn the day trip to Atlanta down in favor of cleaning the clutter.
One of my favorite things: baby toes.