today at lunch i read a story in oprah's magazine that moved me to tears.  i ate macaroni and cheese that was orange and buttery as the tears slipped silently down my cheeks and i wanted to reach through the veil of words to heal the author has i've healed my wounds over the years.  guilt is a terrible beast that nashes with sharp, stone-lined teeth and scars with steel bladed talons...and until we irrigate the poison out of our system, it lingers. 

i've been melancholy as i'm sure a lot of you have - watching helplessly a the tragedy in japan. sure we can send money and prayers and good wishes, but wanting to do so much more pulls at me.  along with the rain, the gray skies, the runaway menopause (i'm too young to feel this damn old), the time change, the...the...the...it seems too much you know?  just too much. 

and i know others are there too.  so, anyway - the people that responded to my pay it forward giveaway so far - i've lost track of who was in the top five and all that..so, you know what - you're all winners.  it may take me a while, but...i will send you something from my list.  if you want to do a pay it forward, then so be it - have fun with it.

there were also some that want to do a spring swap but i see that se'lah is doing one currently and i don't want to take away from hers.  so....let's not do that right now.  i will brainstorm and maybe we can do a early summer swap instead. 

i've been obsessed with pinterest lately.  i think it's a great marketing tool that you have to apply and they put you on the waiting list - it gives it that extra boost of desire or something.  so many pretty things and so little time.  look me up if you are on there so i can see what you love too.

today on my ipod - just the way you are (bruno mars), three more days (ray lamontagne), north dakota (lyle lovett), only the young (journey), will you love me tomorrow (carole king), life in the storm (edwin mccain), wonderwall (oasis), rainy day blues (willie nelson & jonny lang), love train (the o'jays), a thing called love (bonnie raitt)

wisdom

there is a kind of symmetry to life - the cyclical ups and downs that we all have - tied to time, tides, hormones or the whatever.  and as i pondered this weekend - what to write about - what inspired me creatively, or what caught my eye (besides my obsession with pinterest) i found myself backing away from the computer.  things i did find myself doing were reading - nay devouring - a new author's books (sarah addison allen), cooking and thinking about things to make a home.  that nesting syndrome that i seem to have in the spring - much like the birds i saw this weekend with twigs in their beaks. 

there was much acceptance work this weekend - some from unexpected places and some in finding out how a friend feels their feelings.  there is that acceptance of each other.  and in that i found this quote - well, almost tripped on it this morning ... "love and kindness are never wasted.  they always make a difference.  they bless the one who receives them and they bless you, the giver."  - barbara de angelis 

i added four new quotes to my quotes journal this week - all of them speak to me.  i've kept one of these for quite a while now.  when i'm restless or trying to make a decision, i turn to this journal to seek advice and think about what to do next.  there are so many wise people out there....but you know what, there also people just like me who are just trying to figure it all out...they too have wisdom to share. 

the problem with rants...

i feel guilty just telling you the bad stuff about my job instead of the good stuff.  and there are days that my job is very good.  i get to work on cutting edge stuff and for a state agency, that is sometimes a dangerous place to because the default for something no one understands is to rely on archaic regulations and laws.  so, that is a hazard.  some days you win, sometimes you rant, and some days you feel like screaming.  most days are winning.  so in my honesty here, i tend to blow off steam with you guys.  sorry about that.  but...all in all - as we say in my office, it is what it is.


the pansies above are like me, bruised and battered, but they carry on.  (hope you all are safe in these rather violent storms.)  i'm planning to participate in a pay it forward.....i'm sure you all have heard of this before, but....for those of you that haven't.  a pay it forward is a gift that you give because you want to express gratitude for what you've been given.  i've been given a lot in my life and though i sometimes stomp and complain a bit, i know that there are others that have it much worse than me....so...here are your choices (pick one of the four)  the rules follow the choices.

• a choice from my etsy shop,
• a small cookbook of recipes i use all the time and maybe a few i've been taught by my mom,
• used books that i've read (not handmade i know, but they are hand selected by me and some people would just prefer a book),
• or my photoshop skills in making you an art piece such as your favorite quote and photograph combined or a blog header.

should you decide to take up the challenge, then are willing to:

write a short blog about paying it forward.  then be willing to send five people something "handmade".  i'm pretty loose about the handmade part - as i count photography as "handmade" and as you see, the used books.  then, select five people from your list of participants - in this case, the blogger suggested the first five that responded, so i'm going with that.  i recognize that handmade for five may take a while - don't feel like you have to send all five at once, quality takes some time, yo?


it's just a fun way to share.  also....last year we did a valentine's day card swap.  anyone feeling a spring swap?

tell me

it is a rainy day in alabama.  the kind of rain that makes you want to curl up in front of a fireplace with a mug of something warm and a good book.  and as you read the book you become sleepy and find yourself asleep, curled in the blanket - that deep, soul satisfying sleep - the kind where many beautiful dreams occur.

but, instead - i'm working.  and not the deep, soul satisfying work...but the kind that makes you want to kick curbs and curse because you're so pissed.  and being pissed doesn't really solve the problem - but it allows you to vent without expressing anger at the one (or two) people that have caused you to be in this predicament.  because that will not solve the problem any better than kicking the curb....and all you get are bruised toes and a bruised ego.  *sigh*

so i stare out my window and wonder why i wasn't born independently wealthy or some sort of nonsense.  because if i was, i would run off to paris, or tuscany, or timbuktu...or someplace really exotic, like...the moon.  and then i wouldn't have to deal with idiots...or...the idiots would be so different and intriguing that i wouldn't notice they were idiots.  and i wouldn't have to tell people that have worked hard and through no fault of their own, their contract is severed because some idiot didn't research law very well and i hired them thinking it was cool...but it wasn't really cool and now ...i have to end the contract and figure out how to pay them. 

tell me again why i wasn't born independently wealthy. 

love, kisses, and comment trolls

apparently i have a comment troll that has decided to use my blog to rant about "boycott american women" - as if.  so i'm enabling comment moderation to see if this person goes away.  i dislike captivas and i dislike censoring, but - that's just ridiculous. so...i'm going with this to see how it works.  they do it just enough to be annoying.  (and i can't block them because they're anonymous.

i bowed to auntie pressure this weekend and took my niece to see "never say never" (the justin beiber) movie.  i will have to admit, though it's not my kind of music, i was very impressed with him and his family.  he is very talented and seems very grounded.  i hope he keeps a level head and keeps listening to his mother and grandparents.

otherwise, i've been lost in auntie duties this weekend as it's mardi gras' last weekend before tomorrow and ash wednesday.  are you living it up and getting in your last days of excess before easter?  hope so.  more later when i'm back home in my bed and not worried about ballet clothes, lunches, pick-ups, snacks, bed times and worrying about effecting my youngest niece up when she has to run to the potty all the time.  (she seems to use "have to potty" as a way to avoid what she doesn't want to do - like go to bed.)