This is a re-post from a year ago...not too long after I started this blog and when I was really just talking to myself. I decided to re-post this after Julie so bravely shared yesterday. Some of it no longer applies (about the job) but I'm leaving it as it was originally written. I think we all struggle everyday with what my friend David describes as sublimation - in which we try to find the sublime in everyday responsibilities. So...here you go.
I don't really like pink, it's much too obvious. Though I want to be noticed and never want to ask for attention. But, I hope you know I'm here. I'm the oldest, I tend to mother and I tend to be strong. That isn't going to change. I'm stubborn and set in my ways but I will always give you what you want if you just ask me. I give advice, often, but I will support your decision without question. If I see you chasing a butterfly along the cliff, I won't stop you from chasing the butterfly but I'll tell you the cliff is there.
I like sugar in my coffee, unless you're using coffeemate, then no sugar please. And none of that fake stuff, I would rather have nothing at all. I love movies but lately, I can't stand ones that just set out to make you cry. I love full sugar colas but black iced tea with no lemon. My steak should be rare but everything else needs to be very well done. And please, green olives only, the black ones are too bitter.
I love my pictures but I hate them too. I can tell what is wrong with every single one. I'm good at my job, it's the place that I feel most secure. Though I come off as a tough girl I always feel the need to go and hide. But, I will always be okay. Even when I feel the world crashing around me, I instinctly know somehow I will get through it all. I adore my nephews and nieces but live in fear they only tolerate me. Deep down I will always feel unworthy.
I'm quick to be hurt and withdraw even with I have a blank look on my face. If you have me crying then I will be ok, when I get quiet is the time to worry. I will always put myself in your shoes and worry that I'm offending you. I believe in a higher power but I have so much difficulty with organized religion.
I hate cleaning house and will avoid it like the plague but my office is usually as neat as a pin. I would rather sit and watch Bravo all day even when I berate myself for not doing what needs to be done. I'm a goof about my family and so proud of them I could burst. I would take a bullet for any of them or my friends.
I feel alone in a sea full of people and the last choice of a lot. I also realize that I've created an atmosphere for me feeling this way and this is mostly about a pity party. I'm deathly afraid of falling in love again and equally afraid of being alone forever. Every time I'm rejected I climb another stair and now I feel like Rapunzel, except I cut off all my hair.
I believe in love, ultimately but also believe it happens to other people. I remember love - the taste, the texture and the feelings but mostly these days it's like viewing it through the thick and warped glass of the past centuries. I want to be swept off my feet but I'm unsure if I could trust anyone that would do that to me. I love buying presents and receiving them. I also love wrapping presents in pretty paper and the expression on the person's face as they upwrap it.
I can't sit at home without the television being on but I can't standy any noise when I sleep except the white noise of a fan. I set the alarm an hour early so I can wake enough to be human before I go to work, but then I always wake up before the alarm. I wake up every morning at 3:30 a.m. to pee. I seem to notice the time at 11:11 and 7:17. I laugh everytime I hear "409".
I miss smoking and will hold a pen sometimes just to remember the feel of a cigarette in my hand. I love the taste of alcohol in certain drinks but can't stand the taste of beer or gin. Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup makes me sick to my stomach and I haven't eaten it since the 1980's.
I have a visual memory - I can remember exactly what side of the page I read something if I close my eyes and I can repeat verbatim certain conversations, but I never can remember someone's name or telephone number. I hate pennies but I collect them because I can't stand the thought of throwing money away. I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. I love Dr. Pepper but really don't like root beer.
I am a contradiction and an anomoly but then again I'm a pleaser and a nurturer. I want to be taken care of but I will curse you if you try. I love to travel but want to sleep in my own bed. I love my cat but hate when he meows for attention. I hated my mom fussing over me but I miss her like fucking crazy now that she's not around to nag me about my health. I'm a registered voter but I've lost faith in the system.
I love the beach but hate the sand touching me and the taste of salty water. I hate oysters and mussels but love scallops. I can't stand to be weighed down by a heavy coat but love the feel of an electric blanket.
I could sit here all night and tell you all the ways I'm screwed up but I suspect you are screwed up as much as I am, just in very different ways. We're the same but different. We're siblings but have different parents. As the song goes, there's nothing said that hasn't been said before. There's nothing done that hasn't been done before. It just always feels like the first time to us no matter the emotion. So how do we put it all in context? How do we realize though it's the first time, it's not the first time really. How do we feel happy when we also feel so very sad. How do we achieve peace when anger ignites our soul? How do we find our "bliss"?
Though I know what I know about me, I also don't know much.
"Though I know what I know about me, I also don't know much."ReplyDelete
I love that line.
Wow, Char, this is beautiful! I wish most people knew themselves so well.ReplyDelete
very interesting. it is funny to note all of the contradictions and conflicting feelings that we all have.ReplyDelete
wow this is great. i wish i knew myself so well or at least how to express it. i can relate to what you say about love, in fact i can relate to a lot of what you say here.ReplyDelete
this is so true:ReplyDelete
"I suspect you are screwed up as much as I am, just in very different ways. We're the same but different. We're siblings but have different parents."
no one is immune
everyone has issues
all have beauty
e l k
oh yes...I'm screwed up alright...and funny, there are so many ways in which you and I are screwed up in the same way....ReplyDelete
seperated at birth perhaps ?
Awesome Char, I remember the original post well. Truly beautiful.ReplyDelete
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I think this post is amazing..enjoyed reading it. And to think that we have the same "tendency" :) ...I always look at the clock at 11:11 or 1:11. I once asked a friend what makes me do that and he mumbled something about body clock..I don't know about that but it really happened many times so that last Nov. 11, I was sort of waiting for something to happen. Nothing happened.ReplyDelete
And char, you're not screwed up...you're just being yourself and that is great! and your life is definitely NOT boring.
We are similar in so many ways. I feel the same way about pink. I miss smoking sometimes, too.ReplyDelete
I am not as serious as a photographer as you. I don't care about the flaws I guess. And I love the sand. Especially when it's fine and warm. I grew up by the beach in New Jersey, so it's a good memory.
We are all screwed up to some extent, aren't we? And this was a good post.
I think you've captured perfectly all the contradictions that live in each of us. You've made me think. I think we all live full of contradictions and the secret is making peace with them. Here are a few contradictions of mine.
I am full of joy and delight, but I get annoyed so easily. Why is that? I love to laugh, it is like air to me. I love to cry, it is like lubricant for the heart. I love a plan, but hate have one dictated. I love to engineer surprises, but don't really like to be surprised. (It's that plan thing, you know.)
Great, great post.
okay, where do i begin?ReplyDelete
first of all, we're not just siblings with different parents. we're twins with different parents. i was sitting here reading, thinking . . . "hmmmm, like me . . . hmmmmm, that's like me too." almost everything i read reminded me so much of myself or is something exactly like me. but this is weird. i actually gasped when i read it—i notice the time 11:11 ALL THE TIME. i have for many years now. it just freaked me out, because it is so random.
i can't tell you how many things in this one post made me realize why we hit it off! you are so much like me! or me like you. i'd list them all, but it would be senseless, cause they are almost all of them. very weird.
all i can say is i'm glad you reposted this. it is so well written. it's one of the best things i have read in a long time.
i can tell we would have a ball just sitting down for coffee somewhere.
thanks for your honesty and openness.
I want to do a re-post once a week because all that work and no one is reading. Great post.ReplyDelete
This is beautiful. I can relate to so much of what you said, but your comments about love really speak to me right now.ReplyDelete
Thanks for sharing.
wow, talk about writing a brave post! this is beautiful and i laughed at the things that are the same (but which i hadn't written)--the pepsi/coke thing, the believing in a higher power but not organized religion, and about deep down feeling unworthy (i think the U of C did that to me) and about loving the beach but not really liking sand. it's so nice to know i'm not alone in these things...ReplyDelete
i'm really glad you reposted this!
When you strip away all the other stuff, you always end up with love. In the end, we are all just looking for love, and sometimes feeling as though we don't deserve it. And very often I think that our photography or other art is not only the search for beauty and truth without words, but also the search for love.ReplyDelete
And can you tell that it is 5am and I'm just a bit punchy? lol
Thanks for posting this -- it's beautiful.
I love this post. It's just really such a delight to read in all the facets of what makes you YOU. Thanks for sharing.ReplyDelete
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