This is a re-post from a year ago...not too long after I started this blog and when I was really just talking to myself. I decided to re-post this after Julie so bravely shared yesterday. Some of it no longer applies (about the job) but I'm leaving it as it was originally written. I think we all struggle everyday with what my friend David describes as sublimation - in which we try to find the sublime in everyday responsibilities. So...here you go.
I don't really like pink, it's much too obvious. Though I want to be noticed and never want to ask for attention. But, I hope you know I'm here. I'm the oldest, I tend to mother and I tend to be strong. That isn't going to change. I'm stubborn and set in my ways but I will always give you what you want if you just ask me. I give advice, often, but I will support your decision without question. If I see you chasing a butterfly along the cliff, I won't stop you from chasing the butterfly but I'll tell you the cliff is there.
I like sugar in my coffee, unless you're using coffeemate, then no sugar please. And none of that fake stuff, I would rather have nothing at all. I love movies but lately, I can't stand ones that just set out to make you cry. I love full sugar colas but black iced tea with no lemon. My steak should be rare but everything else needs to be very well done. And please, green olives only, the black ones are too bitter.
I love my pictures but I hate them too. I can tell what is wrong with every single one. I'm good at my job, it's the place that I feel most secure. Though I come off as a tough girl I always feel the need to go and hide. But, I will always be okay. Even when I feel the world crashing around me, I instinctly know somehow I will get through it all. I adore my nephews and nieces but live in fear they only tolerate me. Deep down I will always feel unworthy.
I'm quick to be hurt and withdraw even with I have a blank look on my face. If you have me crying then I will be ok, when I get quiet is the time to worry. I will always put myself in your shoes and worry that I'm offending you. I believe in a higher power but I have so much difficulty with organized religion.
I hate cleaning house and will avoid it like the plague but my office is usually as neat as a pin. I would rather sit and watch Bravo all day even when I berate myself for not doing what needs to be done. I'm a goof about my family and so proud of them I could burst. I would take a bullet for any of them or my friends.
I feel alone in a sea full of people and the last choice of a lot. I also realize that I've created an atmosphere for me feeling this way and this is mostly about a pity party. I'm deathly afraid of falling in love again and equally afraid of being alone forever. Every time I'm rejected I climb another stair and now I feel like Rapunzel, except I cut off all my hair.
I believe in love, ultimately but also believe it happens to other people. I remember love - the taste, the texture and the feelings but mostly these days it's like viewing it through the thick and warped glass of the past centuries. I want to be swept off my feet but I'm unsure if I could trust anyone that would do that to me. I love buying presents and receiving them. I also love wrapping presents in pretty paper and the expression on the person's face as they upwrap it.
I can't sit at home without the television being on but I can't standy any noise when I sleep except the white noise of a fan. I set the alarm an hour early so I can wake enough to be human before I go to work, but then I always wake up before the alarm. I wake up every morning at 3:30 a.m. to pee. I seem to notice the time at 11:11 and 7:17. I laugh everytime I hear "409".
I miss smoking and will hold a pen sometimes just to remember the feel of a cigarette in my hand. I love the taste of alcohol in certain drinks but can't stand the taste of beer or gin. Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup makes me sick to my stomach and I haven't eaten it since the 1980's.
I have a visual memory - I can remember exactly what side of the page I read something if I close my eyes and I can repeat verbatim certain conversations, but I never can remember someone's name or telephone number. I hate pennies but I collect them because I can't stand the thought of throwing money away. I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. I love Dr. Pepper but really don't like root beer.
I am a contradiction and an anomoly but then again I'm a pleaser and a nurturer. I want to be taken care of but I will curse you if you try. I love to travel but want to sleep in my own bed. I love my cat but hate when he meows for attention. I hated my mom fussing over me but I miss her like fucking crazy now that she's not around to nag me about my health. I'm a registered voter but I've lost faith in the system.
I love the beach but hate the sand touching me and the taste of salty water. I hate oysters and mussels but love scallops. I can't stand to be weighed down by a heavy coat but love the feel of an electric blanket.
I could sit here all night and tell you all the ways I'm screwed up but I suspect you are screwed up as much as I am, just in very different ways. We're the same but different. We're siblings but have different parents. As the song goes, there's nothing said that hasn't been said before. There's nothing done that hasn't been done before. It just always feels like the first time to us no matter the emotion. So how do we put it all in context? How do we realize though it's the first time, it's not the first time really. How do we feel happy when we also feel so very sad. How do we achieve peace when anger ignites our soul? How do we find our "bliss"?
Though I know what I know about me, I also don't know much.