I don't want to live at the P.O. really

I have the spring boredom setting in. There was an initial euphoria from the blooms and the warmed, fragrant air but now, it's all bright and I want to escape. Not that I want snow and cold, because my thin blood couldn't take those conditions. Someone says snow ski and I want to show them the joys of water skis and coppertone. Maybe it's just a case of not knowing exactly what I want.

Maybe I want to be lost like Jack (the writer, not the television show). Find a road and simply travel it until it's end. Turn right and follow again. I want to meet the people that populate Welty and Faulkner's stories (I think) and see some craziness for myself. Or do I want to be a pretty fool like Daisy? Oh yes, there's that problem with wealth I don't have.

I want to fly a kite on the beach...but now the college crowd has ruined that. The beaches near me are filled with beer-laden, rude and loud children. Not that I wasn't that when I was that age. Because I was...but it was more like Boone's Farm laden. What is the adult equal to those shananigans? (I love that word, especially since watching Juno). I think is getting lost - even if I get lost in the urban jungle.

for today

For today: (sunday, april 27, 2008) I will take care of the inner workings of my life.
Outside my window: it's gray, drizzling and generally cool as only spring rain can be. the cat is sleeping on the back of a chair and I can smell brunch cooking in the oven. the television is running in the background and I can smell the candles I lit this morning permeating the air. I've been in a thoughtful mood after the movie last night and think about the what have beens if life had been different. Not in a bad way, just that "what if" way. I know that things turned out the way they did for a purpose and am alright with what my life is.
I am thinking: tomorrow is a new week at work and I'm determined it will be better than last week. I'm going to tackle my new responsibilities with a joy and a happiness that I enjoy a good life and not grumble about what I don't like to do. it may be a case of faking it until you make it, but it's the only way I will survive this new wave in my life. there are many things that could be worse, so I'm going to be grateful.
I am creating: brunch literally but a better day for where I am in this life.
I am wearing: shorts and a tee, I've already been at housework and cooking. these are the weekend uniform at home.
I am reading: Certain Girls by Jennifer Werner.
I am hoping to watch: a beautiful day as I've already had my fix of Ina Garten this morning.
Around the house: papers and candles, me on the laptop and the sounds of the fan in the other room.
One of my favourite things: children laughing

It's time to cut the beard boys, you're over.

Fat and sassy after resplendant thai food, I stroll through my new obsessions on bloglines. I've been on this blog kick lately and have been collecting them like add-a-pearls on a non-sexual necklace. You know, before ZZ Top ruined my innocence. After last weekend's book fair and listening to authors read their craft, I know I don't have a book within me. There are days that I don't even have a blog in me. Whether's that's a sign of happiness or contentment - I have no clue.

I know the girl that I was once in past decades. I was a child (no, I'm not going to start singing Meredith Brooks), then I was lost in the mix, then broken free in the 80's and lost in the mix again in the 90's. I've come into my own the past couple of years. Knowing more about myself than I ever have before. Taking the time to really get down to the core and becoming comfortable within my own skin. Now, I must find out what inhabiting that skin means.

I've thought a lot about legacies over the past few months. The legacies given to me and the ones that I shall leave behind. The sister, the friend, the fantastic aunt....what will it include? I've noticed the boys noticing what I'm looking at when I pick up my camera unexpectedly. Will they see something through my eyes? Do they really think I'm just weird when I make up silly songs or do they secretly think, I'm insane? Are they listening when I talk about issues. I think they are. These boys on the verge.

The sun is shining and I want to run free and shout at the top of my lungs, "I am me." Sure a few crazy looks - that's ok. I want to jump on a teal colored bicycle and pedal as far and as fast as I can - but bills must be paid. So I content myself with tales from other worlds while I plan my adventures too. Life is ok and that's probably the best news of all.

You don't have to call me darlin', just call me

My day has just been absolutely crapalicious, thank you very much. Isn't it great now that Fergie made that album that almost any word can be coupled with "ilicious" and it makes it cooler to say? Or is that more coolicious to say? I get confused.

I'm being a bona fide portfolio manager these days. Complete with telephone calls to assholes that don't want to pay back money. Complete with people who never are at their desks or return phone calls. Whose Dilbert-ilicious glee comes from laughing in their gray little cubicles at this southern girl trying to just get through the day and get her information.

I find myself on freaking edge this week, wanting to claw at my face due to the frustration of these asshole-licious people. Currently I have a two-page call list and I don't even like people that much. So, if I've bitched around you, to you or about you.....I'm sorry-licious (ok, ok, ok - I'll stop now).

Who is that character in Dilbert? Alice? The one with the fist of death? Can I play her for a day? Or maybe just an hour....ok, five minutes. Pass me the vodka Chelsea, I feel a hangover coming on.

the quest

I've stalked the elusive waterlily for a month now - today, victory.

Buzz Kill

Me: I'm calling from X bank regarding the December 2007 financial statements for ABC companies. You sent the September 2007 statements instead, can I get the December 2007.

Him: You're callling from where?

Me: X Bank.

Him: About ABC Companies?

Me: Yes sir. We hold the mortgage on ABC.

Him: Still? We sent you a check?

Me: Yes sir, as far as I know.

Him: Are you sure?

Me: Yes sir.

Him: Check the loan status - you got the check?

Me: Sir, I just need the statements. I don't receive the checks.

Him: Well, I won't send the statement until I know you got the check.

Me: *sigh* Yes sir.

Him: Want me to hold?

Me: No sir. I'll call you back.

This is how I started my morning. He's in New York. The check receipt is in Pasadena, California. I'm in the middle. So, by the time I get the call back from Pasadena three hours later it will be time for NYC to go home. A lovely circle, yes? And...he's already sent the statements previously, just the wrong quarter.

Is it true that people no longer read stuff in italics? I read that somewhere before, but I think it was in italics. You know how it's cool to text? Yeah...I hate receiving texts. They always come at the worse moments and are usually some random crap. I could totally call you and tell you whatever faster than I could type out the text.

For what's it's worth - I really am beginning to hate those big oversized sunglasses that women wear now too. We're all running around in the summer looking like demented, overdressed bugs. Whoever thought looking like a bug was a good idea? Probably the same person that invented tube tops and daisy dukes. No matter how skinny you are, you always look like crap.

Saturday morning my tire blew out. Yes, blew completely out so it was barely hanging onto the rim. It was scary. Even scarier than than was the rude drivers on the interstate. Luckily I felt the pull of the wheel as the tire started to flatten at 70 mph. As I moved to the right lane, I slowed to 60 mpg and the tire blew out completely just as I hit the shoulder. Getting out to survey the damage was a life threatening experience as 18-wheelers blew past me at 80 mph or more. The jeep shook with each passing truck and car. I was shocked at how many people didn't even change lanes as they passed by.

Ants crawled up my legs as I tried in vain to figure out how to get the never used jack out of my back hatch. Finally, I gave up and called roadside assistance, even though I'm very well schooled in changing tires. Yeah, $68 for something I know to do, but was too pertified that a truck was going to knock the jeep off the jack if I attempted it by myself.

And...no one stopped. No one. A female on the side of the road with the hazard lights on. No one cared. Ouch. The good news is that five years ago I would have been wailing as to where I was going to get the money. Growth is very good.

So, I did make it to Montgomery in time for the Book Fair in Old Alabama Town. I did get to hear one of my favorite Alabama author's, Rick Bragg. If you ever want to know what it was like growing up in Alabama, his memoir, "All Over But the Shouting", will give you the first hand introduction.

An excerpt: Even now, over twenty years later, I wonder if the reason I saw my father that one last time, that I heard the closest thing to a confession he would ever make, is because I responded to a dying man's cry for attention or just wanted the present, the bribe. I guess it does not really matter anymore. I went to the little house where he lived and knocked on the door, determined to stare him down, man to man, to let him know exactly what I thought of him for what he did to us, to my momma. I was going on sixteen, six feet two and 185 pounds, and had fought bloody battles over girls in the parking lot of the local Hardee's, and now and then my brothers and I mixed it up just for sport. I was not afraid of him anymore. I was not helpless now, not some child hiding under the bed.

The nephews were not that happy with the activity and the crowds of people made it hard to frame shots. After, we went for lunch at an old downtown hang-out, Chris' Hotdogs. It's been around since 1917 and it has a couple of claims to fame. President Roosevelt ate there once while visiting Montgomery. After, when he was visiting his summer home in Warm Springs, Georgia, he would send secret service agents over for hot dogs with Chris' famous chili sauce (very spicy). The other claim is that Hank Williams, Senior was arrested there for being drunk and disorderly (when was he not). Anyway - my mom and dad loved the place. I never really "got" it...but we thought the boys would enjoy the history.

this and that, here and there

Some days are roses and some are kicks in the ass. Today was like a weed, annoying but mostly just there. On the other hand, I've finally bought into the Twitter and Bloglines hysteria. I don't know why it's fun to see the updates, but it just is. Bloglines is a central feed line for all the blogs that I'm currently subscribed to and some other funny random stuff - like LOL cats.

I re-read some Dorothy Parker yesterday. She really had a knack for the sarcastic quote, didn't she? I'm still chuckling over "you can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think." Of course I also like the cups my sister purchased this weekend - "it's better to have loved and lost than to still be married to the pyscho!" Anyone want me to go purchase a pack for you?

If any of you have paid attention to the "Read This" part of my blog - I've really been addicted to foodie blogs lately. Now if I can find the time to cook all this good stuff I've been reading about.

So, I took my sister on a tour of great shopping and local foodie places this weekend. Well, we did have Cheesecake Factory cheesecake, but who can hold that against us? We visited tiny little places that only locals know about. And, we found a new fantasy man in the shape of the waiter at Chez Lulu's. *sigh* He was tres' beautiful. I think he earned every bit of his tip today. Plus he kept the coffee poured. A very good thing. We decided his name was Jorge. Yes....Jorge, sounds perfect.


Every Saturday this is this man that preaches on the roadside by the Wal-Mart near my apartment. I admire his dedication and he preaches from noon until sunset. I've never been able to take pictures due to the traffic. This Saturday, he has recruited a new helper. My sister and I smiled as we sat at the traffic signal. They were so happy in the sunshine.

When we got to the hotel, we had a great laugh as the Trojan bus was there. It's touring college campuses giving away condoms. What is really funny was there was a bunch of old guys at the same hotel all laughing that they were getting a delivery. *snicker* Maybe along with that viagra! But it was a funny thing. And, a hot guy was driving the bus. I bet he has the most fun time on his job.

And, before you ask - my sister and I love to hang out in a hotel room when she visits. It's no pressure and we can have all the towels we want. It's a pretty sweet deal as I have points to get free rooms. Yes, life can be very good.

Don't YOU step on my blue suede shoes

I'm sitting antsy with anticipation that my sister will be here in like, 15-20 minutes. I'm a geek. I adore my sister and she's one my best friends in the entire world. We will spend the day doing girly activities and maybe at times we will not talk at all.

And we will stuff our faces with cheesecake from the horrible place, the Cheesecake Factory. Honestly - just because the cheesecake rocks doesn't mean they can cook anything else well. My dream restaurant would have an al carte menu where I could order the steamed dumplings from Surin, honey crispy shrimp from Chang's, and a cheesecake from the Factory. Of course - those could all change on any given day.

I wonder if there's a movie that is playing this weekend??? I feel a wine buzz already.

My heart may have been broken, but my hair still looks great

Man, it has been a hectic couple of weeks at work. All my friends that always bitched in financial jobs about the end of the quarter and end of the year. I finally understand what they were talking about. I think I mentioned that we laid off two people and part of their work was segregated out to me and some co-workers. This is in addtion to the normal stuff I handle.

I've had to reach back to 12 years ago and remember what I forgot...but I'm getting there. I probably understand it better now than I ever did in school because I'm actually working with it. In addition, the credit market still sucks and we're working harder just to find a way to stay afloat in a market where no one wants to pay what it costs to get a loan these days.

*sigh* Why do these things aways sound like a bitch session? Actually - I'm pretty happy this week. I'm back in classes - even though neither are "shooting" classes. I'm involved in a couple of social groups so I get out more than I have in a long time. I'm happy with my situation in life. I have a job, I have food and a place to live. Though gas is expensive and therefore prices are rising - I can survive by myself and that's an empowering feeling.

I haven't been doing much thinking lately - I mean, sad things occurred this week in history but overall, I'm really ok. Sure I miss them....but, otherwise - emotionally, I'm doing alright. One of my friends asked me, "don't you miss dating?" And I thought, "hmmmm, no. I don't." If the right thing comes along - so be it. But I got off the roller coaster ride of the "chase." And I like it. It always seems that I only get asked out by either attached men (guys that have girlfriends or wives) or guys that are emotionally unavailable. I'm not sure why I send out that vibe...but I'm stopping it. I declare myself "vibe" free. LOL I wonder if that actually works. Regardless, I'm happy with my girly weekends doing exactly what I want to do. No demands or expectations.

why is it that some people can't be happy for you?

Change - damn change - the thing that some people throw down like a gauntlet, nay...a dare, a scolding, a reprimand. "You've Changed!!! You're not the person you once were." Well, damn right I'm not (thank God).

I was talking about this with a friend last night and again this morning. She's going through the typical accusations that happen when someone begins a committed relationship. Friends that are used to having her total attention now have to share her time. And damn it...some of them don't like it. And have predicted this relationship will fail, just like it has before and she will go running crying to her friends.

This was my advice --

So, acknowledge the change. Yes, you have. You’ve matured and found someone that is fulfilling your wants and needs. As part of a relationship, you have a commitment to spend time with that person. If the time you give ____ (let's call him douche bag) is not enough for him, so be it. The point being is that he expects you to fail and that is a sucky thing to expect for a friend. Each time we enter into a relationship, we have to put all of our hopes into it. If we do not, then it is doomed from the start. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy in that we expect it to fail, so we self-sabotage in small ways until it does instead of making the commitment. Yes, sometimes relationships fail. Yes, probably about 50% of relationships fail completely. But…what if you’re lucky enough to be in the other 50% for a change? To what do you owe that? To that you owe everything.

To some extent I understand about him not wanting to hear you cry again. It sucks to have a friend hurt, and he’s seen you through some hurts. More than I have really. So, he’s scared. What do people do when they are scared? They run. So, he’s running and putting the blame on you – for all the behavior that he’s projecting onto you. He’s seen you change from a chaser – like him, to someone that wanted more about it. To a greater extent – to someone that is successful in getting what she decided she wanted. That has to be hard for him, because he sees you succeed and he’s standing still. He keeps chasing the wrong thing and can’t see that he is sabotaging himself in doing so. Now he would probably say, that this is really what he wanted. But, has he ever slowed down to do a bit of self-examination. No, again, he’s scared. People that scared cannot look inside because they are scared of what they might see.

So, you know what, I would say – “yes, I’ve changed. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. And I’m embracing that change. That change has brought me love and happiness. That change has brought me joy. And I’m going to hold on to it as long as it lasts – which is hopefully forever. People who love me are happy that I am happy. People who love me support me. If the horrible happens, yes, I will be sad and yes, I will need my friends. Just as I’m there for my friends when they are sad. Just as I’m always available if they really need me. Everyone has lives. Everyone can get caught up in demands on their time and attention.

If you choose – and yes, it’s a choice, to let our friendship go because you cannot handle my happiness. Then I wish you much joy and happiness. As much as I have found. I don’t want our friendship to be marred by bitterness and pettiness. I’m stopping now on that issue and pushing away from the table. You were there when I needed you and I thank you for that.”

Why is it that some people just can't be happy for other people. Sure, I wish it was me, but I could never take it away from you.

8 years

I remember the smell of Kent no filters, paint and sawdust as I lept into his arms precisely at 5:30 p.m. every working day. His chuckle and then a gruff, "get offa me so I can get into the house." The newspaper had to be still in the green rubberband, never read. Dinner was ready as would hear him call "Mary, Mary" to greet her. My brothers and sister would scamper around his feet, we all as eager as puppies - well, unless we had transgressed so bad that day that the dreaded "wait until your father gets home" clause was envoked.

It's been eight years today - and each day I miss him still. The silly things, the funny things, even the gruff voice when he was angry. He would be so proud of how this family turned out. He really would.

so, what's new with you?

I'm sleepy as I awoke at 5:00 a.m. this morning. Usually I celebrate that occurrence with an hour of so of reading time but today I drifted in and out of sleep. I do that sometimes - have periods of insomnia like behavior, usually if work is too pressing or I'm worried about something. But, I'm not really aware of anything going on in my head that would cause it.

So, I'm going to a covered dish movie and dinner thing tomorrow night. They're a new group of friends and I'm not sure how I fit into the equation. Ever have that "thing" with a new group? Not sure what your role is there? I'm the oldest, so that's always nice (not) and a couple of the guys are very intense. They speak with big guestures and loud voices. I'm so not that person - - well, unless I've had too much to drink, then Mellie tells me that I'm "fiesty". That's funny. Anyway, the issue is that I don't know what to take. I mean, I could make the famous shrimp and grits casserole that everyone loves, but that's very expensive for a new group. (is that awful?????) So, it might be the tried and true loaded baked potato casserole.

Girls...let me clue you in -- Lacome Defincils is the best mascara ever. FYI - it's worth the price. Just like chanel lipstick is worth it.

hmmm, what else? Nothing springs to mind. I start new photography classes next week and will be going two nights. Life is okay. And I can live with that