April 8, 2008

why is it that some people can't be happy for you?

Change - damn change - the thing that some people throw down like a gauntlet, nay...a dare, a scolding, a reprimand. "You've Changed!!! You're not the person you once were." Well, damn right I'm not (thank God).

I was talking about this with a friend last night and again this morning. She's going through the typical accusations that happen when someone begins a committed relationship. Friends that are used to having her total attention now have to share her time. And damn it...some of them don't like it. And have predicted this relationship will fail, just like it has before and she will go running crying to her friends.

This was my advice --

So, acknowledge the change. Yes, you have. You’ve matured and found someone that is fulfilling your wants and needs. As part of a relationship, you have a commitment to spend time with that person. If the time you give ____ (let's call him douche bag) is not enough for him, so be it. The point being is that he expects you to fail and that is a sucky thing to expect for a friend. Each time we enter into a relationship, we have to put all of our hopes into it. If we do not, then it is doomed from the start. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy in that we expect it to fail, so we self-sabotage in small ways until it does instead of making the commitment. Yes, sometimes relationships fail. Yes, probably about 50% of relationships fail completely. But…what if you’re lucky enough to be in the other 50% for a change? To what do you owe that? To that you owe everything.

To some extent I understand about him not wanting to hear you cry again. It sucks to have a friend hurt, and he’s seen you through some hurts. More than I have really. So, he’s scared. What do people do when they are scared? They run. So, he’s running and putting the blame on you – for all the behavior that he’s projecting onto you. He’s seen you change from a chaser – like him, to someone that wanted more about it. To a greater extent – to someone that is successful in getting what she decided she wanted. That has to be hard for him, because he sees you succeed and he’s standing still. He keeps chasing the wrong thing and can’t see that he is sabotaging himself in doing so. Now he would probably say, that this is really what he wanted. But, has he ever slowed down to do a bit of self-examination. No, again, he’s scared. People that scared cannot look inside because they are scared of what they might see.

So, you know what, I would say – “yes, I’ve changed. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. And I’m embracing that change. That change has brought me love and happiness. That change has brought me joy. And I’m going to hold on to it as long as it lasts – which is hopefully forever. People who love me are happy that I am happy. People who love me support me. If the horrible happens, yes, I will be sad and yes, I will need my friends. Just as I’m there for my friends when they are sad. Just as I’m always available if they really need me. Everyone has lives. Everyone can get caught up in demands on their time and attention.

If you choose – and yes, it’s a choice, to let our friendship go because you cannot handle my happiness. Then I wish you much joy and happiness. As much as I have found. I don’t want our friendship to be marred by bitterness and pettiness. I’m stopping now on that issue and pushing away from the table. You were there when I needed you and I thank you for that.”

Why is it that some people just can't be happy for other people. Sure, I wish it was me, but I could never take it away from you.

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