January 6, 2009

and it grinds me


My frozen spirit aches
I slip another day
Start to lose my grip
Find another way
~~ Grind Me in the Gears by Edwin McCain

Today was a mish-mash of different issues. Some were etiquette questions like how much do you spend on a wedding present for someone you love but you haven't seen or heard from them in two years until you got the wedding invitation? And...also factor into the equation, I'm unlikely to see them for another two to three years. After much deliberation, I was told $50 sounds about right. shhhh, don't tell them I got the beautiful white milk glass pitcher on their bridal register.

Another issue was the further proof that it is very difficult to teach old dogs new tricks. Bless his heart - a very thin veneer of civilized behavior over the past three months does not change years of abusive behavior to my sister. Which brings up an interesting question. If someone apologizes and you're too hurt to forget, does that erase the sin? I have no problems with forgiveness....but forgetting sometimes is my stumbling block.

Then...a dear friend's dear friend is dying. Yes, I can say that word - I've had up close and personal experience with death. My heart is wrung as I wish I could hold her hand as she's holding her friend's hand. The dark and sad path we all walk from time to time. The knowledge that twists the stomach in knots over letting go and holding on...and knowing really that you cannot hold on and you have to let them fly.

A difficult day...and the weather cooperates with the gray mood. The sky opened and washed the world with buckets and buckets of cotton wool tears, changing the warm air to chill and sending windstorms across the hills. Water in the parking lot is almost ankle deep as rain is falling faster than the ground can soak it up.

I haven't been sleeping except in little hour naps during the night. The day is easily filled with errands and tasks. Deciding what to move, filing papers and wrapping up loose ends with the ending of my job. Easy to occupy my mind - the ability to list and organize. Night is my enemy - sleep is my enemy as it allows my mind to roam free. Issues shoved to the back grapple each other to burst from the door of my dreams - tap dancing across the stage in weird, clomping fits and starts, gloaming onto seemingly resolved decisions. I feel as if I'm watching a weird compressed version of Thelma Survived the Grand Canyon to Marry Dr. Frankenfurter. Yeah...that weird. Maybe I should stop drinking pinot after eight.

But, I'm feeling better tonight. I've been reading from an old favorite of mine. One I like to read when I'm feeling frozen and unable to move. "Making Choices" by Alexandra Stoddard. I go back and read underlined passages from when I first read the book in 1994 (when I was going through my divorce). Today I was struck by this --
"Tragedies don't go away by denial. Many choices make us feel vulnerable and most involve fear, but all require action."


  1. I notice that this blog has one of the best picture ever! A excellent mixture of skill and composition :-)

  2. Your plate runneth over! Lots to swirl around in your mind. I started practicing meditation to quell those racing thoughts. With pratice it works.

    The para on the abusive hubby - touches a personal nerve... my X was, also. No amount of apologies will bring a change. And one can maybe forgive, but remembering keeps you away from those waving red flags....

    Powerful post chiquita!

  3. JH - thank you. I love industrial but not everyone does. I appreciate the compliment.

  4. Joy - I worked in an child sexual abuse clinic for 5 years. So I have seen the cycles of abuse and how seductive it can be. This guy is astonished that he has been found out and thinks if he doesn't get his way, he can bully everyone into it. I'm sorry you every had to go through that.

  5. No amount of 'in time' and 'everything will be okay' will paint over the pain that engulfes families that experience abuse.

    Having never experienced physical abuse I will not try to pretend to understand... I'm just so very, very sorry.

    Verbal abuse is another matter... it cuts and steals to the point of breaking... I do however know this first hand. And the fingers of my heart reach out to console you and yours.

    May this new sunny day bring you a smile or two.

  6. well, despite the difficult days you have, you bring us really good photography and really good writing.

    thank you for that consistent gift, Char—even on days when it may not be easy.

  7. Wow, this was really moving to read. I'm sorry to hear about your difficult day, but I do agree that reading tends to help. I'm sure it's hard to concentrate, but I bet your writing helps you get it all sorted out too, doesn't it?

  8. it does Chris...it helps to write it out and get it into the ether.

  9. You're right, I need to get more shit out of me.

    ok wait, that sounded rude. I meant writing wise.

  10. Such a powerful quote. I'm sorry to hear about everything. You and I have a lot in common my friend. We've been through a lot, we're strong ladies I tell ya! Take care of yourself, and continue to stay strong :)


i feel as if each comment was between us as we sat and sipped something warm....i love to hear what you're thinking.