January 13, 2009

Pop psychology and fear

In looking back at life we sometimes string together a necklace of sorrows to horde and worry when we feel the lowest. We rub and polish them, knowing the comfort of the dark hollow as fear anchors to that deep well that serves as our drink.

Sure, in the string there are a few sparkles but we bankrupt the emotions so not to allow the sparkles to overtake the necklace. And we wonder...we are astonished that we ended up again in this place. Then, again, it is comfortable here...it's a place we know when we feel sorrow for ourselves. Like fuzzy slippers.

It's when we begin to feel joy and happiness that we fear. We grow afraid that we will lose that warm, dear, cherished glow that a tiny seed starts in our heart. In that fear, we suppress the joy - we're afraid that others will be jealous and poke holes in the fabric. We're afraid that if we have joy that something will snatch it away and smash it. But we cannot dwell and live in that fear. I tell myself that constantly. That if I keep calling fear to me - that it will continue to visit and dine at my table. My witty companion, entertaining me with bon mots of my failures, tweaking my ego with dirty gritty film noir of my pettiness or times I allowed myself to be mean or cruel. I mean, who could love someone that unloveable, right?

I think that's why I've been so obsessed with light and the color aqua lately. In moving, I've flung open the doors and have begun to take out all of the trash in my life. Friends that have known me for a while, have listened to my thinly disguished bravado of "I'm moving" for the past five to six years. They've patted my hand and smiled as I have grand plans. Now, that fears have eaten at my table - I've had to face their whispers. And, I don't like it. My fears are no one I want for my friend. They have horrible table manners. (Not to drive a theme home or anything there)

Loved items are finding good homes. Excess is being dealt with. Can't live without are going with me. I'm lighter every day that passes this month. I'm rediscovering bits and pieces I've hidden in the dark. Though there are stumbling blocks I'm navigating, I'm making it. I am making it. Not that I won't be scared again - not that I'm walking with a blindfold....but, I'm doing alright.


  1. What a great post!
    Here's to you hon!
    Like I said before 'can't never did nothin' and knowing that you're an awe inspiring person you should leave nothing to hinder your achievement.

    Also, I was wanting to start featuring my fave photos of artists across the country and wanted to feature you first, as you were, my first real blogger buddy.

  2. Thank you, and I would be so honored.

  3. wow. i wish I could write posts like that..

    i'm glad I found ramblins..

    you have a new follower from the philippines..

  4. Beautiful!
    Wishing you much success & joy along your way

  5. Love your eloquence. I can certinly identify with what you say; it's always encouraging and inspiring to see how others deal with the 'necklace of sorrows.' Thanks:)

  6. Good for you! Don't let fear consume you......I was in a similar situation when I moved to North Carolina from Florida. I had never lived anywhere other than the city I was born in. I was so scared of not making it, but I took the gigantic leap and moved 487 miles away from the family and friends I knew so well. Here I am 3 years later doing better than I could have ever imagined! I'm very happy for you.....it's quite liberating eh?!

    The best of luck getting to where you hope to be.

  7. so beautifully written. i wish you all the success your heart desires.

  8. Fear is the anti-you. I'm positive you will succeed at any endeavor you pursue. Beautifully written as always.

  9. A lovely blog! Thanks for sharing.

  10. Cleaning house must feel so good, huh? It's a physical and emotional (and mental) process that can make you feel ready to face the world. I'm glad you're making so much progress, and it's helping you get through this hard time :)

  11. just when you think you may be having a bad day, you get beautiful enpowerment and support from friends near and from afar.

    thank you.

  12. Great post!!! I'm glad I found it today :)


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