Well....hell - it was a year wasn't it? Looking back at this blog over the year I've gone from the lowest of lows to some highs and back to a slight set-back. I think 2008 was all about teaching me acceptance of loss and the ability to pull myself back up by the bootstraps.
My friend Mel last night (she is one of my biggest cheerleaders and, one of the most honest, true people I know) told me that she is excited that I have the chance to "reinvent" myself. How like her to find the flipside of my pity party last night when I was bemoaning moving and feeling quite lost. And I told her last night that today I would see the world differently but last night, I was indulging myself a bit.
I was feeling whelmed in all the things I need to accomplish in a month -- to wit: moving, finding a job, divesting myself of a lot of liabilities, and well - getting back on my feet. *whew* That's a big ol' elephant in the room, but as you get to know me, you will know that one of my favorite sayings is "you eat the elephant one bite at a time." So, that's how I began my day - eating the elephant one bite at a time. I'm not tackling the entire place at one time. I'm doing a bit here and there every day. Until wow - I've already noticed some progress. I'm sending out at least one resume a day. And...it gets easier.
And grief - well, that gets easier too. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss them...but, as my sister said - some healing must be taking place when we laugh at little personality quirks my mom or dad passed along to us.
Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that said "prisoner of hope". I thought about that a lot all through yesterday. Are we truly prisoners of hope? Slaves to waiting? Or, do we help hope along by helping ourselves? I don't want to be a prisoner of anything. Hope is that little whisper that picks me up from the deepest of my fears. That little spark in the darkness. Sometimes that depth seems darker and deeper than we can ever climb. Sometimes we dwell in that place but we have to continue to search for that ladder. We have to - to give up is to die.
And I'm not quite ready for that.
So...here is my hope for 2009. I hope, dream, wish and will fight for it to be the best year that I've had so far. I may or may not succeed....but, I will keep on swinging for the fences.